I guess it’s selfish of me. I guess I can’t exactly expect guys to be dying to go out with me, considering that this site sort of forces me to live my life very publicly. It’s funny – I’m always the last to realize the things other people find crucial, or fundamental: if you’re going to blog about your dating life, nobody’s gonna want to date you.
Remember that guy from the stuffed animal robot video? The one who had no time, and didn’t want to kiss me? I’ve had a crush on him for years. For a good while. I met him online, and he’s been on my iChat queue ever since. I flirt with him a lot. I try to make him feel good about himself. I don’t exactly know why.
He almost never returns compliments. He seems slightly angry a lot. Or maybe he’s just annoyed at me. He sure does treat me like I’m annoying. That’s pretty regular. So why do I always try to make him feel good about himself? Why do I spend time trying to lift him up? Why do I keep thinking that if I show him how I’d like to be treated, he’ll eventually reciprocate? Why?
Why, I don’t – I don’t do that anymore. Not since he came to visit me on March 15th, at my work, on my birthday.
Me: Thanks for being so patient. I was a little busy there for a while.
Him: Whatever. I was fine. I have to get going though. It’s getting late.
Me: Seriously? We haven’t even gotten to talk. Aw man…
Him: I know. But it’s late.
Me: How are previews?
Him: I’m here. In one piece. So…
Me: I hear the audiences like it.
Him: I’m so busy I don’t even notice.
Me: Okay, well, at least you’re opening soon.
Him: What does that mean?
Me: I don’t know? Small talk? Trying not to bring up my party tomorrow night.
Him: I told you I can’t go.
Me: I know, you have a cast get together. It sounds fun.
Him: I’m glad you understand.
Me: Did I say that? I don’t understand, I just realize you’re not coming.
Him: I have to do this get together thing with the cast.
Me: I know, but can you imagine, I’ve heard of people doing two social engagements in the same night in New York! It’s really easy – you just come to my party after the cast thingy. You have one drink, and then you leave. It’s called ‘showing up.’ People do it all the time.
Me: Not wow. It’s been a long ass time since i fell for a guy, and I can’t have this.
Him: This? What?
Me: This. Whatever this is. I can’t have it. I can’t text you ‘what are you doing tonight’ and then have you answer the question three days later. That’s the opposite of ‘showing up.’ That’s being a jerk.
Him: I was in tech last week. I’m not good at communicating.
Me: No. You. Are. Not. But that has to change. We’re adults. You’re an adult.
Me: So you’re not going to consider coming to my party as well as your cast party?
Him: It’s too much for one night. We’ll hang out later.
Me: It’s my birthday. This is – no. I can’t have this. I’m not this guy. I shouldn’t have to beg you to hang out with me on my birthday. This has to be stopped. Here – I’m going to make this really easy for you, okay?
Him: You’re going to make something easy?
Me: HAHAHA! You’re hilarious! Why are you doing War Horse? Come do comedy with me downtown. Look. Here’s the thing. You don’t like me.
Him: I do like you.
Me: You’re not into me. I tell you you’re pretty, you roll your eyes at me when I tell a joke. #notintome
You at this point, should not be able to keep your hands off me. Instead we’ve had three sleep over dates and we fooled around on ONE of those. #notintome
I ask you to kiss me and you say no. #notintome
Him: Stop it.
Me: Stop what? I’m not judging you. I’m making observations that lead me to a conclusion. #notintome
Him: I mean, stop using hash tags outside of Twitter.
Me: Wrong again. That’s a thing now too. People are totally doing it.
Him: They are not.
Me: They are if I say they are. The point is – You’re not ready to be dating me. You should break it off with me.
Him: If you want to know the truth, that’s probably where I’m at right now with this whole thing.
Me: See? Thank you. How adult. We’re communicating. This is great.
(pause. I realize I mean it)
Me: This is great, kiddo. I don’t have to worry about you coming to my party. Or acting bored while you’re there, or acting disinterested in me after it’s over. This way, we can just be friends. I can stop wondering how to make you like me, or what’s wrong with my approach. It doesn’t matter any more, because you don’t want to date me. That’s a relief.
Him: Okay good. I’m glad you’re being so cool about it.
Me: It’s fine. I like you. It’s fine. You’ll make a good friend.
Him: Do you mean that?
Me: No, but I’ll have something to complain about.
Him: Michael, you’re a really great guy. You’re very attractive, and you’ve got a lot going for you.
Me: NOW you compliment me. Jesus. This guy. What am I going to do with you? Oh wait. Nothing.
Him: You’re going to find someone totally special.
Me: That is sweet. But you don’t understand. I just realized. I’m not dating anyone. I’m not going to date anyone.