Don’t ask me why. People have started asking me questions: I’ll try to answer them respectfully. Unless I don’t. Please be aware that these are my opinions, and I’m a guy who photographs myself and my pals making pies semi naked. Meaning: I’m not a therapist or whatever.
Michael,
I need some boy advice. I’ve been dating a guy for three and a half months. Things are generally going well: we have an awesome time together, the sex is good, and I love him a lot. We have a couple of problems, though. The first is that our work schedules don’t match up so well, which makes it difficult for us to spend a lot of time together. We have to try and plan so that we can hang out twice a week, and even then sometimes he’ll get called into work at the last minute. The other problem is that he’s still going through the coming out process (as a bisexual – he’s only been with women before me), and him having one foot in the closet is causing a lot of issues. When we hang out with friends who he’s not out to he’s overly distant because he’s worried they’ll think we’re together. And he has a really machismo grandpa who came over once unannounced, and I was hidden away in his room alone for the visit. Then when I got angry that he hid me away, he made me feel bad for giving him a hard time about it. It’s really awkward because I could just pose as a friend of his, but instead he just shuts me out. So on one hand I understand how difficult the coming out process is, but on the other, I just feel I’m being mistreated here. What should I do?
– Mike
Mike,
Kiddo. You’re absolutely right. He is mistreating you. In a big way.
I can’t tell you how much it hurts my heart when you evoke this image: I think of you sitting alone in that room. Abandoned by the guy who’s supposed to be loving you. Lonely. Like how you felt before you came out of the closet, huh? Do you remember that feeling? Like you were destined to be shut away? Like every sort of loving, warm emotion you’d ever have would be locked up and stifled? Remember feeling like you should hide the part of yourself that some straight people find disgusting?
So, do you wanna go back to feeling like that?
I’ll answer for you: No. You don’t. Kid, you seem really smart. You can’t afford to feel that way about yourself. Dating this guy says you’re willing to participate in a world where we accept that people are disgusted by us. You’re out. You’re no longer participating in that. You should be proud of that. That makes you good.
This guy, your boy friend? He wants you to buy into this logic: “My grandfather has the right to think you’re disgusting and evil for loving me, and my grandfather’s feelings are much more important than yours – to the extent that I will deny your existence to him.” Don’t buy into that logic. He wants you to feel a little ashamed, too, so that he can use that shame to get you to capitulate to sharing his misery with him. That makes him evil.
You have a high self esteem. You proved it by coming out at all. But having a high self esteem isn’t where a great human ends up – it’s the STARTING POINT. You now have to protect your self esteem at all costs. The world still wants you to feel ashamed, but you don’t have to participate.
How do you not participate? Simple, but not easy. DO NOT associate yourself with anyone who associates homosexuality with shame, or finds it disgusting, ugly, or makes excuses for it apologetically. That includes other gays, and bis, like your boyfriend. There are plenty of gays out there who hate themselves, and there are plenty of them that should. But they should hate themselves for being jerks, not for being gay. I’m kidding. Sort of.
(I’m not at ALL kidding)
Maybe I spoke too strongly. Maybe your boyfriend isn’t EVIL. But his thought patterns are contributing to an evil world. Let’s focus on the good, huh, Mike? Let’s hang out with people that respect each other and value themselves. Sorry to say this. I know you love him but listen: you have to ditch him. He is not a man he is a scared little boy. And people do awful things when they’re scared. He’ll do it again. He’ll put himself before you again. Ditch.
I’m going to say it again. Ditch. Ditch him. What he’s showing you is not love.
You’re lovely Mike. Be lovely. Be loved. Let yourself be loved. That is my advice.
PIEFOLK 
“My grandfather has the right to think you’re disgusting and evil for loving me, and my grandfather’s feelings are much more important than yours – to the extent that I will deny your existence to him.”
– I completely agree with the pie man on this one. ❤
Thanks, Cupid.
I am sure there are other factors that come into play as to why ur boyfriend is doing whatever he’s doing. It’s not a black and white world, unfortunately. Not everyone are as strong as everyone else. I’m sure fear comes into play into this situation. But maybe instead of turning away from him and abandoning him for feeling scared, maybe strong people like you should offer a helping hand to those who are not that strong. And be by his side until he feels strong enough to come out to everyone. He’s only human, and being afraid is part of our lives. Sometimes we lie to our loved ones to protect them from being hurt. Maybe he’s not afraid of the fact that his family might hate him….maybe he’s afraid to see his parents/grand parents get hurt. Sometimes seeing the pain that u impose on ur family hurts quite a lot.
…but then again, that’s just me……
I don’t think he’s THAT strong yet, Roy. He’s allowing himself to be shut away in a room. I hear you when you say that strong people should help the weaker ones, but there’s such a thing as sacrificing too much. In this case, for me, I think it’s sacrificing too much.
We must be very wary of catering to the needs of people who wish we didn’t exist. Straight people are wonderful and lovely, but there’s a good amount that don’t want us around, or want us to lead quiet lives of desperation as a second class of citizen. Don’t believe me? Then why’s it so hard to get our civil rights in 2011.
We only have each other, and we need to be strong FOR EACH OTHER. That can include family and friends, but only the ones on the RIGHT SIDE of the issue.
You’re a beautiful, kind young man Roy. Thanks for commenting.
“Lonely. Like how you felt before you came out of the closet, huh? Do you remember that feeling? Like you were destined to be shut away? Like every sort of loving, warm emotion you’d ever have would be locked up and stifled? Remember feeling like you should hide the part of yourself that some straight people find disgusting?”
Brings me to tears imaging one day where I’ll be free from this.
Thank you for blogging.