Don’t ask me why. People have started asking me questions: I’ll try to answer them respectfully. Unless I don’t. Please be aware that these are my opinions, and I’m a guy who photographs myself and my pals making pies semi naked. Meaning: I’m not a therapist or whatever.
I need some boy advice. I’ve been dating a guy for three and a half months. Things are generally going well: we have an awesome time together, the sex is good, and I love him a lot. We have a couple of problems, though. The first is that our work schedules don’t match up so well, which makes it difficult for us to spend a lot of time together. We have to try and plan so that we can hang out twice a week, and even then sometimes he’ll get called into work at the last minute. The other problem is that he’s still going through the coming out process (as a bisexual – he’s only been with women before me), and him having one foot in the closet is causing a lot of issues. When we hang out with friends who he’s not out to he’s overly distant because he’s worried they’ll think we’re together. And he has a really machismo grandpa who came over once unannounced, and I was hidden away in his room alone for the visit. Then when I got angry that he hid me away, he made me feel bad for giving him a hard time about it. It’s really awkward because I could just pose as a friend of his, but instead he just shuts me out. So on one hand I understand how difficult the coming out process is, but on the other, I just feel I’m being mistreated here. What should I do?
Kiddo. You’re absolutely right. He is mistreating you. In a big way.
I can’t tell you how much it hurts my heart when you evoke this image: I think of you sitting alone in that room. Abandoned by the guy who’s supposed to be loving you. Lonely. Like how you felt before you came out of the closet, huh? Do you remember that feeling? Like you were destined to be shut away? Like every sort of loving, warm emotion you’d ever have would be locked up and stifled? Remember feeling like you should hide the part of yourself that some straight people find disgusting?
So, do you wanna go back to feeling like that?
I’ll answer for you: No. You don’t. Kid, you seem really smart. You can’t afford to feel that way about yourself. Dating this guy says you’re willing to participate in a world where we accept that people are disgusted by us. You’re out. You’re no longer participating in that. You should be proud of that. That makes you good.
This guy, your boy friend? He wants you to buy into this logic: “My grandfather has the right to think you’re disgusting and evil for loving me, and my grandfather’s feelings are much more important than yours – to the extent that I will deny your existence to him.” Don’t buy into that logic. He wants you to feel a little ashamed, too, so that he can use that shame to get you to capitulate to sharing his misery with him. That makes him evil.
You have a high self esteem. You proved it by coming out at all. But having a high self esteem isn’t where a great human ends up – it’s the STARTING POINT. You now have to protect your self esteem at all costs. The world still wants you to feel ashamed, but you don’t have to participate.
How do you not participate? Simple, but not easy. DO NOT associate yourself with anyone who associates homosexuality with shame, or finds it disgusting, ugly, or makes excuses for it apologetically. That includes other gays, and bis, like your boyfriend. There are plenty of gays out there who hate themselves, and there are plenty of them that should. But they should hate themselves for being jerks, not for being gay. I’m kidding. Sort of.
(I’m not at ALL kidding)
Maybe I spoke too strongly. Maybe your boyfriend isn’t EVIL. But his thought patterns are contributing to an evil world. Let’s focus on the good, huh, Mike? Let’s hang out with people that respect each other and value themselves. Sorry to say this. I know you love him but listen: you have to ditch him. He is not a man he is a scared little boy. And people do awful things when they’re scared. He’ll do it again. He’ll put himself before you again. Ditch.
I’m going to say it again. Ditch. Ditch him. What he’s showing you is not love.
You’re lovely Mike. Be lovely. Be loved. Let yourself be loved. That is my advice.