Advice

illustrations by lex millena

Hey Pie Guy,

My name is Kevin, and I wanted to write to you for a while now.  I’m having a problem and I wanted some advice – or maybe I just need to tell someone about it. 

I feel ugly all the time.  I’m not sure why this should be – I go to the gym a lot and in the past few years I’ve managed to carve out a pretty decent looking body.  I have nice arms and some semblance of abs, even.  But, I can’t seem to get guys my age to look at me, or hit on me. 

I should say that I’m 24 years old and Chinese American.  That shouldn’t make a difference, but it certainly does – at least where I live in Atlanta.  When I go out to gay bars, the only people that hit on me are creepy guys that are 15-20 years older than me.  I want to sleep with guys my own age, but they don’t look at me when I go out, and if I talk to them at the bar they seem mortified, or annoyed somehow.

I’ve had guys my own age even say ugly, racist things to me.  This cute, fratty looking guy was really drunk one night and when I went up to him to say hi, he sneered and said something to the effect of ‘me no want sucky sucky long time.’  I left immediately.  I’d never had someone call out my Asian identity like that in such a brutal, cruel way.  I left feeling inadequate and ashamed of myself. 

I tried asking out another guy that I thought was cute.  He told me I was very attractive, but he was a bottom only.  I said that’s okay cause I’m versatile and he laughed.  I was confused.  Then he said that he didn’t think he could let an Asian guy top him. 

I just don’t get it.  My penis is above average.  I’m a pretty attractive guy.  I take care of my body and it shows.  Why can’t I get people my own age to look at me as a viable sex partner?  Sometimes when I go out I get horny or drunk enough to go home with a guy who’s 40ish – but then I always go home feeling worse about myself than when I started.

I’m beginning to feel alienated and depressed.  I don’t know what to do. 

Thanks for reading this letter – I feel better just verbalizing these feelings.  You don’t have to answer, but I’d like to hear your thoughts. 

Thanks,

Kevin

Hey Kevin,

Thanks for writing in.  I’m upset and kind of angry to hear about the insensitive, racist things you’ve had to put up with.  That sucks.  I wish I could say that you’re just having a run of bad luck, and in a way you are – but I was also a bartender for years in a gay bar, and I can honestly say – racism is alive and well in the gay community.

However – I do think that there’s a lot of dialogue right now that counters that point of view.  I know that there’s a growing number of people in the gay community that think the idea of a racial sexual hierarchy is absurd.  I also know there’s a long way to go before Asian homosexuals can feel like the playing field is level in the gay dating world.  All you have to do is look at mainstream gay porn to see that Asians are an invisible minority.

I want you to know that you’re not alone, Kevin.  I want you to know that I feel depressed and alienated too, a lot of the time.  You’re not the only person that gets weirdos who are decades older than you hitting on them.  I wonder if you’d have better luck meeting gay guys on OkCupid or joining some sort of gay sports team, or club?  People are frequently at their worst when they’re hammered, and gays your age tend to drink until they’re wasted.

I do want you to know that there are plenty of people out there that find gay Asians attractive – that think of them as people, and not just asexual, bottom-only playthings.  Thanks for sending me photos of you – I can attest that yes, you are a very attractive guy, and if you lived in NYC I’d certainly hit on you.  The only advice I have is keep at it, Kev.  Try online dating too, and being social in non-alcohol related settings.  That might clear things up, a little.

One more thing.  Try to keep this in mind:  If someone says something racist, or callous to you in public?  That’s just them showing the world they’re an asshole.  Try not to let it get to you.  If you walk home ashamed of yourself or angry, then you let a worthless asshole steal your joy and ruin your night.  Don’t do that.

Be proud of yourself, Kevin.  You’re a very beautiful man.  You’re smart and sexy and wonderful.  Keep your head up.  Be proud.

Jerk.

3 thoughts on “Advice

  1. One thing is sexual interests and other thing is toleration.
    First of all, I don’t recommend you to try to find dates in a bar – it’s the most vulgar thing a person can do – because this means you don’t look for a relationship, you just want to fuck someone for a night and then not even meeting him again ever -I’m sure this kind of relationships don’t last more than a few weeks- Bars or discos are places with loud music, colored lights and alcohol i.e the best place for someone sexually attractive to hook up, because they only have to be hot to get laid. You can’t speak with someone on a bar or a disco – you can’t tell what kind of person he is, is he nice, smart or anything?- No, yo can’t. You have to be really superficial to go to this kind of places (usually).
    Second of all, excluding this jerks you met (who were barely racist assholes), people usually have specific sexual interest. As an example, I am specially sexually attracted to asians (oriental). I am very easily turned on by them. But I never had an erection caused by an african person (I mean black, but I don’t know if this is politically correct), and I am not racist, I am actually a very respectful and open person, but I am simply not sexually attracted to black people. Saying that I’m racist for that is like saying I’m sexist for liking or not liking man/woman. And let’s be honest – We do live in a society where racism and other kind of discrimination is present, but this has no relation to your case. Even if those jerks said yes, why getting engaged with someone who is a total jerk like that – In my opinion it’s a good thing you avoided them. I didn’t read much of your blog, but as far as I seemed you write about baking and thai guys you slept with (I am not trying to be disrespectful, this is what honestly I understood) You could also be considered racist because you like specially thais (I’m kinda making this up, it’s an example, so you can tell me where I’m wrong) but as far as I seem you are not racist, are you? As far as I seem of your blog, you have quite a talent to write, and you are not dump, so just try to think positively and ignore this kind of things. You seriously shouldn’t care much. If you search for the right person one day or another you’ll find it.
    But I also would like to remark that I have no experience in this kind of things, so my opinion is not that relevant. Just a small advice

  2. Pingback: lin-dentity crisis « zunderfury

  3. Pingback: A reader’s letter to piefolk.net: an example of internalized racism; a psychoanalysis and look at socialization of attraction; and a critique of piefolk.net’s unaddressed whiteness « Winant To Contest Desire

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