Vice Magazine came over to cover one of my salon parties. Adam Gardiner was nice enough to take some publicity photos for me. I’ll write a longer post about it later tonight (I have a rehearsal and a show today) but I wanted to thank him for his work. You’re a kind, handsome fellow, Adam. Thanks.
More later, Jerks.
(Guess I’m buying LEVI’S from now on)
Hi Michael,
Hot damn!
I just stumbled across your website. I’m can’t remember how, as I’m
still in a bit of a shock and unable to collect my thoughts. But, Sweet
Jesus, everything you are doing with Piefolk.net is adorable and sexy
and friendly and good-natured and deliciously gay and also generously
satisfies some human appetite or another. You’ve really made my day.
I grew up in Astoria and moved to Chicago for school, but, oh, had I
known that there would be more to New York in the 2010s than (still
further) rapid rent-rising and character-bleaching gentrification, e.g.
sensual, socially progressive pastry cookery, I’d have stayed. I’d have
stayed.
To make you share in my disappoint that I didn’t, here’s a photograph of
my adoring face. Aren’t I somewhat cute? Yes, I can sometimes force
myself to think so too.
Keep this up, dude! Also, do you have any tips on making an awesome
peach cobbler, my favorite sort of pastry? Or maybe if I pay a trip to
the folks back home sometime this summer, I myself could submit to your
glorious baking master-class?
My sincerest Internet affections,
Gene
Him: So. Here we are.
Me: Yes. This is it.
Him: I feel like I’ve been here before. How long have you lived here? Did this apartment come with chalkboards up? This apartment is big for New York standards. I can’t believe I’m hanging out at PIEFOLK.
Me: It’s just my dirty kitchen. I’ve been here about 8 or 9 years. The chalkboard is just paint you can get at Home Depot.
Him: You painted it yourself??
Me: Yeah. Of course. What would you do?
Him: Hire someone. I dunno.
Me: Ha. That wasn’t an option. I was having some lean times when I painted these walls.
Him: Oh? What’s changed?
Me: Nothing.
Him: OH.
Me: I’m almost always nearly broke. It’s fun. Makes you live creatively.
Him: So what are we making? What is this? Sour cream? Why did you buy sour cream? Are these blueberries? This is the first time I’ve ever made anything. I never made food before.
Me: You’ve never made food before?
Him: We had a cook.
Me: Wow. You’re from a wealthy family.
Him: Not wealthy. Well off.
Me: If you say so. Sounds wealthy to me.
Him: Well I left. I didn’t want to do it. I couldn’t. Can I check my Facebook? What is that? What are you whisking? Is that butter? What’s this for? What are you doing with that yellow liquid? Is that egg? Who was that guy from last week with all the muscles? How tall are you?
Me: It’s butter. I’m 6ft. That guy was named Dan Paul. He’s a recording artist and a go go dancer.
Him: Ugh. NO WAY. I tried dating a go go dancer for a while. No thank you. They’re not suitable for dating. That’s not what they’re for.
Me: What are they for?
(pause)
Me: Can you tell me a little bit why it didn’t work?
Him: I just had a hard time with it. I would get resentful. He was always going out to get naked with other people.
Me: Doing his job?
Him: Yes. But I would get jealous.
Me: (laughs)
Him: What’s so funny?
Me: He was doing his job. The job he was doing when you presumably met him.
Him: So?
Me: It struck me as ironic. Your tone was all ‘don’t date go go boys.’ You said it pretty strongly, as if you were going to follow up with some sort of moral failing they have. But, you’ve only really listed your own flaw.
Him: Which is?
Me: Jealousy… Inability to accept him for who he is/what he does for a living. He was just doing his job.
Him: I guess so. Can I have a hug?
Me: Yes.
(I hug him for a while.)
Me: You’re pretty, and your skin is amazing.
Him: I bet you say that to all the boys.
Me: I do. I say it to every single one of them.
Him: That makes me feel so very special.
Me: So I’ve heard.
Him: From who?
Me: ‘All the boys.’ We have to finish these muffins.
Him: Hey, do you have an iPhone charger? Oh my God what type of music is this? Do you like pop music? Can I use your bathroom? Is there a mirror? What do I look like?
Me: Yes to all, except pop music. I like it okay, but this is some dark alt country station that I made on Pandora.
Him: I can’t stand to listen to country music. Why do my eyes look so chinky? I look Chinese! Other Filipino guys have such round eyes. I get mistaken for Chinese all the time.
Me: Your eyes are beautiful. If they were rounder people would think you were Mexican.
Him: That’s true. People take me for Mexican all the time. Can I have another hug?
(we hug for a while)
Me: Does your family in the Philippines know you’re gay?
Him: Yes. They had a ‘Coming Out’ party for me when I told them I think that’s strange. Why would you have to announce it??
Me: Seriously?
Him: Yeah. Why would you feel the need to announce it. Straight people don’t have to announce their sexuality.
Me: But Straight people do announce their own sexuality, all the time.
Him: No they don’t.
Me: Yes. They do. A debutante’s Coming Out party is just a formal announcement that she’ll be taking dates from men now. Straight people announce their sexuality all the time. Going to Hooters with pals, getting your first date with a girl, asking someone to marry you in a public place, bridal showers – they’re all ways of announcing you’re straight. A christening! What is a christening if not proof that heterosexuality happened?
Him: But why is it important for us to announce it?
Me: You’re asking me this? Me? I’m the guy who bakes naked and gay all over the internet. It’s important because we’re asked by an oppressive straight society to cover up, or subvert ourselves for the sake of not making straights uncomfortable. It happens all the time in various subtle and blatant ways.
Him: Like how?
Me: Like when your boyfriend says, hey, please don’t kiss me while we’re hanging out with my grandma – she knows I’m gay but I don’t want to freak her out. That’s your boyfriend acknowledging that his sexuality is a nuisance for straight people. That’s him asking you to be an accomplice in apologizing for or covering up your sexuality.
Him: So you’re saying we should stop doing that. We should announce it.
Me: I’m saying we HAVE to start doing that. It’s life or death. There are plenty of people out there that sympathize with us, but there are plenty of people out there that wish we would get AIDS and die.
Him: AIDS.
Me: AIDS. Oh! The muffins are done. Looks like they’re falling apart. I guess I shouldn’t have haphazardly put twice as many blueberries in there.
Him: Yeah. They’re soggy inside and they didn’t hold form. I like them. Good job, Jerk.
Sometimes this is my reason for living:
Hey Michael,
Thanks for your kind words. It’s nice to know people are reading.
It sounds like you’ve got two issues here. Allow me to order them for you?
#1: You want to know if you should pull the trigger and sign the contract on a military career.
Yes. You should. You’re there for a reason. You’ve spent all this time there for a reason. You’re good at this, and you’re drawn to it. That’s a great thing. It’s great to know at a young age what you’re good at and why. Most young men your age don’t have that blessing, to know what they’re passionate about/good at. You should sign the contract.
Part of your argument seems to be your reservations about whether or not you should be defending a country that won’t allow you the same rights as everyone else. I hear that. You’re probably angry. I know I am. I’m angry at Straight people in America for silently watching as a smaller faction of militant bullies deny Gays their civil rights.
Even so, part of what makes your narrative so compelling is that willingness and proclivity toward doing just that: defending a nation of people that still denies you your rights. There’s a real shortage of gay role models out there – people who will stand up and live an open, naked, unashamed life, and participate in the world that seems to exclude them. You should be one of those gay role models. You already inspire me as such, and I can’t wait to see what you’re capable of.
#2 You want to know if you should come out of the closet and conduct your military career as an openly gay homosexual.
Yes. Yes you should.
How can you possibly be the inspiring role model I already know you to be, if nobody knows you’re Gay?
I know it will be difficult. Possibly even fraught with peril. I grew up openly Gay in a very rural, difficult area of central Florida. It wasn’t easy. People resented me and ostracized me. I remember once getting hit in the head with a thrown rock, at my lunch table.
But, I worked harder. I was more charming, nicer, and harder working than straight boys needed to be. I never apologized for who I was, nor was I content to shrink up into a marginalized back seat, and wait for the Straights to decide what was what for me. For better or for worse, I threw myself into their society.
That’s what you should do, too.
I know. You must be thinking, hey, this is Annapolis – not your high school. True enough. But still, without people like you – how can we ever hope for a world where there is gender, race, or sexual orientation equality?
Doesn’t our fight deserve a few brave, open soldiers?
Ask yourself this:
Would you rather live your life as a positive gay role model? Or would you rather cower as a closeted gay workaholic who desperately hopes his true self doesn’t leak out around the edges at social functions? I think you know the answer.
You’ve already made a whole lot of brave choices in your life that led you to Annapolis. Now you have to continue that tradition. Do it for the brave openly Gay people that have come before you. Do it for your terrified brothers who live their lives in the closet. Do it for your country.
But most of all – do it for yourself.
Drawing by Brendan Lahey
Hey Michael,
Before we get into me, let’s talk about how amazing PIEFOLK is. It deserves to always be spelled in caps and in bold letters because it makes me smile. Your food is delicious and the friends you cook with seem like a great bunch. Thank you for being as sarcastic and funny as always and bringing joy to my RSS feed.
Now, what I’d love some insight on is my initiative with guys. I seem to always be the one to put forth effort into wanting to hang out and make plans. I’m not one to play games and maybe that’s here the problem lies? I don’t want to do some dance of withholding emotions in lieu of just saying what I’m thinking/feeling. At first I thought maybe I was just too available, even though that’s a subjective opinion but I feel maybe I just make time for people I think are worthy of it and maybe I shouldn’t hand out my free time so easily? Another thought of mine is maybe I’m not so secretly attracted to the guys who aren’t as up front about how they feel and like to play games and lead me on. Maybe I just have too many questions and am in my head too much?
Hit me with your best remedy for a summer of less time given away to those not interested and possibly your thoughts on how to avoid the pattern in the future?
J
J,
Thanks for all your nice compliments. It’s really encouraging to hear people talk like that about my site. Thank you. Sincerely.
Okay, so you pride yourself that you’re not the type of person to play games. Great, that’s refreshing to hear. But most people like to play courtship games. They like the subtle mating dance that seems to go along with dating someone. It’s okay for you to opt out of that, but that just means you’re going to have to search a little harder to find the person you’re looking for: another person who doesn’t play games.
Are you making yourself too available? I’d suspect that you’re probably telegraphing your availability too much, too soon after meeting someone. Mind you, that’s only a feeling I’m getting after reading a letter. But you might be sending out ‘I like you – let’s give this a try’ vibes that are being interpreted as being more needy than you intend them to be. You don’t want someone to feel like they’ve nailed it down by the end of the second date. Because most people want more of a challenge than that. They want to discover they like you slowly, over time.
It could be that you’re really good at pinpointing the type of person/personality that you gel with, but if you really want to keep from screwing the pooch, err on the side of making yourself the commodity. Make the other person prove to you that they would be a good boyfriend. Take a month and play the field. Kiss as many boys as possible, and see who’s calling and what your options are.
Why zero in on one person and make them the object deserving all your affection? Make the person that eventually gets all of you prove they deserve it. Remember. You’re the commodity. You’re the hot ticket item. I’m not saying to act arrogant (I’ll take care of that for both of us), I’m saying to act confident. You’re a strong, vibrant young man.
When it becomes apparent that the right young man has manifested in your life, take a deep breath and take it slow.
Until then, play the field.
Jerk.
xoxoxoxo,
Michael
