Ancient Chinese Secret

Hey

So, I’ve been reading your blog… and am left with so many questions… it’s kind of like I feel after reality TV… like the bachelor…

1. do you have sex with everyone you invite back to the fantasy suite to make pies or is that just for the camera? What’s real and what’s not? 🙂

2. Who’s the third person taking pics? And does it turn you on to have someone watch?

3. what do you like about Asian men? aren’t they usually kinda effeminate with small willys… or maybe you like that… Just curious. Of course, normally this would be none of my business, but I’m a fan, so I guess I feel a little entitled.

Anyway keep “Baking Sweet Love” and I’ll keep reading… and if you use that tag line make sure you credit me… actually you don’t have to do that… it’s all yours… just bake/name a pie after me and eat every delectable crumb with your next concubine… actually eat it off your next conquest and put it in your blog.

J.S.

Hey J. S.

I was conflicted about whether or not to answer this letter. I didn’t know whether or not to give credence to this progression of ideas you set forth.  I decided to address it.

I hope you know I appreciate your reading, but you said some stupid shit, and I’m gonna go off on it. Okay?

1. do you have sex with everyone you invite back to the fantasy suite to make pies or is that just for the camera? What’s real and what’s not? 🙂

It’s not a fantasy suite, but that’s flattering.  It’s a kitchen in a pre-war apartment building in Brooklyn.  As for the guys, no.   I don’t have sex with all of them.  And no, I won’t say which.  I like my blog to be slightly mysterious, like LOST, but instead of a polar bear there’s rhubarb.

However, this I can assure you: they ARE all real.  None of them are cylons.

Probably.

2. Who’s the third person taking pics? And does it turn you on to have someone watch?

Different people.  Friends of mine, or occasionally professional photographers.  Depends.  Sometimes me and the baking assistant just photograph each other.  Does it turn me on?  Depends on who’s behind the camera, I guess?  There’s an element of voyeurism, for sure.

3. what do you like about Asian men? aren’t they usually kinda effeminate with small willys… or maybe you like that… Just curious. Of course, normally this would be none of my business, but I’m a fan, so I guess I feel a little entitled.

No.

It’s obvious you feel a LOT entitled.

Are you drunk?  Why would you ask me that?   It’s obvious, I assume, that I am both very respectful of and attracted to Asian men?  Why, in 2011, would you propagate such a ridiculous stereotype? Seriously.  You sound like my grandpa.

Effeminate?  Small Willies?  Come on.  You’re talking about BILLIONS of the world’s population.  You sound foolish.

Do you have some sort of late-80’s early-90’s idea of homosexuality?  That there’s some Gay hierarchy where masculine, uber hung, over worked out white and (light skinned) Latino guys sit at the top?  Get over it, dude.  Times are changing, and they’re changing faster than Whitey wants to admit.

I’ve met guys like you before.  You think it’s ultra post modern to say shit like this in Gay bars or at parties.  You don’t see why people sometimes take offense.  You think the world is too uptight and you ‘don’t see why people can’t just loosen up.’

You’re almost certainly white.

You’re being insensitive.  Extremely.  Racist, even.

It’s okay.  It’s not you.  It’s the world you grew up in.  But, I know you know that’s not the right way to be.  So knock it off, okay?  It hurts people’s feelings.   Think about it.  You don’t want to live in a world where it’s okay to say racist crap to strangers, do you?  Don’t be that guy.  Please?

It might be hard, but you can reprogram yourself.  You can stop thinking about people in such a small scope.  It’s scary, but once you start doing it, the world really opens up.

Here’s the good news:

There is an Asian out there for you. Really. There’s a masculine, big dicked Chinese dude out there who’s just as much of a douche as you are.  Stop! Don’t argue!  There is. I just know it.  He’s doing the PX90 workout right now, dreaming of the day he meets you and screws the daylights out of you.  The two of you will pull a rickshaw off into the sunset. He will tell you his Ancient Chinese Secret.

But, yeah, you shouldn’t say that kind of crap in an email.    Makes you look like a stupid fool.  And you’re not a stupid fool, are you?  Well of course you are.  We all are. But don’t be that kind of stupid fool.

Jerk.

4 thoughts on “Ancient Chinese Secret

  1. (in real life, I would say your full name right here) I am SO glad you did not let that slip by. thank you for shutting that fool down as well as you did. This is one of my favorite entries. ❤

  2. Agree with Your_cupid13. Thanks. 🙂 I do love the phrase “There is an Asian out there for you.” Bring hope to the world.

  3. I like your response. Honest and direct. I like that you invited him to change. You left him an out. If he is your fan, I hope he takes a hard look at what he said in the email and changes. Wouldnt it nice if he emailed you back thanking you for your honesty?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s