FriDATE
allison michael orenstein
Me: Where did you go? You left after the show. I was so excited to see you. I’ve been wondering about you for months.
Him: I am sorry ~ I was so shy ~and actually I did came back ~after eating mcdonald ~ THanks a lot ~ for your show ~ I feel much more better now ~I was so upset these days ~ and bored ~ and bite my lips twice by eating food ~ actually 3rd time ~ today the mc chicken make me bite my lips a 3rd time ~you are so cute ~ garfield ~ I like you very much ~ I ll definitely come back to see you again ~ 
lol ~ you leave so early ~ I thought you will stay later ~ Next time we ll eat together ~ lol~
Me: I’ve been waiting for months to meet you. I’ve been intrigued by you. You’re a Gay Christian, from a culture that doesn’t embrace Christianity. That’s interesting to me. Plus I’ve grown attached to you, from talking to you on Facebook. Next time wait for me.
I want to talk to you, or just take a walk.
Him: I went to mcdonald n regret n went back, but i bite my lip again…
Me: What’s this church you go to? I wanted to walk with you and talk, and maybe hug you and touch your face. I feel strongly for you, somehow, after talking so long on Facebook. You’re an unusual guy…
Him: I go to five churches. Three of them frequently… Anglican Christian…
Me: Isn’t five a lot?
Him: I’m on a plan to re-virginize myself. I’m trying to focus on this guy, my beloved, that I met… I gave up all of my online dating accounts. But still… it’s mostly futile. Maybe I’ll focus on studying…
Me: I’m not sure I understand…
Him: I’m just in a bad mood and I’ve been biting my lips lately. I have a lot of stress and I think about God a lot. It’s difficult.
Me: I could be your friend… if you would stick around after shows, instead of running off to eat Mc Donalds…
Him: I love the piano man. He’s amazing.
Me: None of us are anything without Frank. He’s amazing and we all owe him a great deal.
Him: You’re like Garfield eating pasta on stage.
Me: You’re beautiful, and I don’t understand you at all sometimes. Can you talk more about God?
Him: I went through a period where I was very bad. Lots of smuggling and lying and cheating. I’m from I am Chinese citizen but born illegally in Japan~ My grandparents are Japanese war orphans ~ I am Japanese / Mongolian heritage ~ I live in Manchuria and Mongolia 5 years ~ I smuggling a lot ~ and in order to go to some place better ~ I always lying and cheating…
Me: Hey. Tell me something right now. Can I trust you?
Him: After my lying period is over, yes. I want to be a different person than that.
Me: So can I trust you?
Him: Yes. You can trust me.
Me: I don’t care what your past was, kiddo. I like you for what your are now. Why don’t you come back to the show? I’ll go out with you afterward. We can take a walk or grab some food and I’ll encourage you and maybe even hug you if you’re feeling down. Is that the worst thing? Can’t we be intimate. Do you have too many friends?
Him: cool ~ I try to be like echo ~ though I know it is a myth ~ the guy I met his name is narcissious ~ so intresting ~ Everytime I give up and go online to predict ~ God will encourage me to continue doing something ~ that’s a good idea ~ thanks a lot ~ I ll definitely hug u ~
lol ~
Me: Or maybe we could have a real relationship. We could just be friends… I bet you’re lonely. I could be a good friend to you. You seem to have a lot on your mind.
Him: I bite my lips anyway ~ I cannot do nothing ~ I guess this is God testify my faith on crashing on someone ~I already thought of being your friend ~ that’s why I plan it carefully rather than seeing you too rush ~lol~long time ago I knew you could be a good guy ~and I want to keep you as a friend ~so I just collect data of you through observation ~
Me: Okay then. I hope you come back to the show. Until then – enjoy collecting data….
WednesDATE
Him: Thanks for coming.
Me: Sure, why not? I’m staying in the neighborhood – apartment sitting.
Him: I have a huge apartment.
Me: Great. I’m staying in a pretty nice apartment myself. High rise, on the waterfront. Pretty swanky.
Him: My apartment is huge, and I have a huge kitchen. It’s pretty much the best apartment I’ve ever seen in Brooklyn.
Me: That’s great news. Good for you.
Him: Yeah, I pretty much have the whole space to myself, even though I have a few roommates. One of them is constantly out of town and the place is so huge that It’s almost like I live there alone.
Me: That’s really great. Congrats.
Him: Yeah. It’s pretty awesome.
Me: Sounds like it.
Him: Believe me. It is.
Me: I don’t disbelieve you.
Him: Okay. Well… Hey. You’re cuter in person. You’re way cuter in person.
Me: Am I?
Him: Yeah, it’s always a plus when the guy is cuter in person instead of busted.
Me: Oh. Thank you. Thanks so much. That’s… nice of you to say?
Him: Do you like football?
Me: I don’t really follow it. I was in the marching band in high school, but admittedly I never learned the rules.
Him: Basically each team has four tries to move the ball ten yards.
Me: That seems reasonable.
Him: It’s harder than it looks. So you’re a cook?
Me: I am. I have a blog.
Him: Oh, I know.
Me: Oh?
Him: Yes. You inspired me. I was cooking naked too, until my roommates bought me an apron. My apron says Will Cook for Sex – isn’t that funny?
Me: Er, sure…. how long have you been at this bar?
Him: Few hours.
Me: Ah ha…
Him: I’ve had a few, but I’m not wasted. Believe me.
Me: I believe you.
Him: What part?
Me: That you’ve had a few.
Him: Do you want a beer?
Me: No. I had a boozy weekend. I better just behave myself.
Him: I like to butcher my own meat.
Me: What?
Him: I like to butcher my own meat.
Me: Seriously?
Him: Yeah. I go to Chinatown and I buy meats from the stores. It’s cheaper, for instance, if you buy a whole rabbit and then butcher it yourself.
Me: Oh man. That sounds macabre.
Him: It’s not. You just put on some inspiring music and then separate the fur from the flesh, and then the flesh from the bones. Then you render the fat. I’m a big fan of cooking things in animal fat.
Me: Me too. I made a quiche recently with duck fat.
Him: I hear that makes a great quiche.
Me: So you just put on some music, and butcher a rabbit?
Him: Yeah. It’s much cheaper if you butcher it yourself.
Me: I imagine…
Him: Just pull off the fur in strips. You can cut some of the fat off too, and render it.
Me: That sounds pretty intense. My family comes from farm people, on my mother’s side, but I never had to butcher anything. I can clean a fish, if I need to – if the knife is sharp enough.
Him: A sharp knife is important.
Me: Yeah. Agreed.
Him: So. The Giants pretty much won. This game is over.
Me: Oh. Congrats!
Him: I’d kiss you right here, but I’m more of a gentleman than that.
Me: This being a rowdy straight bar, I’m inclined to thank you.
Him: Do you want to hail a cab and go to my house?
Me: No. I think we’re asymmetrically drunk from one another.
Him: You mean, you’re sober and I’ve had lots.
Me: I might mean that, yes. But we can walk. Let’s walk.
(we leave the bar)
Him: Did I tell you how amazing my apartment is? Oh! There’s a cab. Let’s take a cab ride to my apartment.
Me: No, I don’t want to do that. Remember, we said we were going to walk and talk just a bit.
Him: Let’s take a cab ride.
Me: I’m under the weather a little. Plus you’re wasted and I’m not. Better to just call it a night I think.
Him: TAXI!! Take this cab with me.
Me: No. You’re a great listener, huh?
Him: My friends say so.
Me: Your friends are right… Have a good evening…
Him: YOU have a good evening.
(he kisses me on the cheek and walks away. i’m left with an image of him, naked in his apron, skinning a rabbit)
FriDATE
Him: Why are we doing this?
Me: Why are we doing what?
Him: Why am I here?
Me: Good question. Why are you here? Because I make good lunches, maybe?
Him: Shut up. No. I mean, yes, you do, but no.
Me: I miss you. You come over because we miss each other.
Him: (silence)
Me: How’s everything?
Him: The same. I’m working. Different projects.
Me: What projects?
Him: Readings… Showcases… That sort of stuff…
Me: That’s great. It’s great that you’re busy…
Him: Thanks. You’re busy too, huh?
Me: Yeah. The show is going well, and it seems to be striking a chord with people.
Him: I’ll say…
Me: Oh no. Right. Sorry…
(pause)
Me: Thanks for coming, anyway… I know that was hard to watch.
Him: Heh. That’s an understatement.
Me: That’s not really you, or even me, though, up there. That’s an extrapolation of feelings I had, filtered through characters I created. It’s true and not true at the same time. It’s just comedy.
Him: I’ll decide what I think is funny.
Me: I didn’t use your name.
Him: Excuse me?
Me: I didn’t use your full name.
(pause)
Me: It was very big and very brave of you to come see the show.
Him: I know. It was hard to watch. You’re right that it’s not exactly ‘me’ up there, but still… there was a lot to process. A lot going on. A lot of old memories and feelings stirred up by watching that.
Me: I know. Thanks for coming to see it…
(pause)
Me: Do you still like hugs?
Him: Yes.
Me: I still love you.
Him: I still love you too.
Me: I wish that…
Him: Shhh…. I don’t think any good can come of that. Can’t we just hug each other and leave all the re-hashing for another time.
Me: That sounds lovely. Can we take our clothes off?
Him: No. Nice try though.
Me: You’re welcome.
Him: For what?
Me: Isn’t it flattering that I still try? After all the shit that went down between us? I’m still trying to get up on you.
Him: I wouldn’t say it was flattering, exactly.
Me: Of course you wouldn’t. You’re much too contrary to let me be right about an adjective.
Him: Is flattering an adjective or a gerund?
Me: Oh. My. God.
Him: I’m just WONDERING.
(long pause. we hold each other. then we cry for a good long while)
Me: I think you’re a beautiful man.
Him: Likewise.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Him: What?
Me: My doctor says I’m not having enough sex. He’s really worried, and he says I need to have sex with pretty boys under 5 ft 8.
Him: Haha. Nice try.
(long pause)
Him: Why don’t you serve lunch instead?
Me: That’s probably a much better idea, huh?
Him: Probably.
Vaganus
Here’s a blast from the past. Like 7 years ago, past.
Please enjoy this funny video written by and starring my friend Brian Fountain.
Directed by Victor Varnado.
Wow… I can’t believe my hair used to look like that. Ugh.
Enjoy the Vaganus…
Jerks.
WednesDATE: INTERMITTENT
Me: Hey.
Him: Oh, hi.
Me: I noticed you from across the room.
Him: Oh really? Is that so?
Me: Yeah. I was looking at you, here and there, when I was chatting with my friend.
Him: Intermittently.
Me: Yes. Here and there… intermittently… Same thing.
Eryc Perez de Tagle
Him: You were looking at me? Weird.
Me: I think we were looking at each other. You kept making eye contact with me.
Him: Shut UP! I did NOT make eye contact with you!
Me: Oh, okay. I must have misread it. I was trying to make eye contact with you because you’re cute. I thought you were making eye contact. My bad. Cheers.
(I turn to go)
Him: STOP IT!! I was looking at you.
Me: Oh. I thought so… But then why… never mind. How are you tonight?
Him: Whatever. This bar is whatever, don’t you think?
Me: I can’t disagree, given the vague parameters. This bar IS whatever.
Him: “Vague parameters??” Who talks like that??
Me: I do… intermittently. (pause) Get it?
Him: No. Was there a joke?
Me: You made fun of me for using a complicated, pedantic word phrase, and I brought up your earlier use of the word ‘intermittently.’ I thought it was funny.
Him: It wasn’t funny.
Me: It wasn’t funny, ‘haha.’ It was funny, ‘ironic.’ In any case, I have to keep trying.
Him: Oh? Why’s that?
Me: I just do.
Him: What do you do? For a living?
Me: Uh oh. This never goes well.
Him: Oh, come ON! It can’t be that bad. Are you a prostitute?
Me: At my age? No. I’m a comic.
Him: Oh, I don’t like that at all. But what do you do for money?
Me: That’s what I do for money. I’m a comic. I book gigs at colleges and regional theaters and I perform around town doing various stuff, and I teach at and direct the musical program at The Magnet theater.
Him: Magnet Theater? Never heard of it.
Me: It exists. I promise.
Him: How old are you?
Me: Oh man. You’re young aren’t you? I hate answering this question. I’m 36.
Him: That’s okay. I meet old people all the time.
Me: Thank you. We all thank you for charitably spending time with us.
Him: Oh it’s not charitable. I’m charging.
Me: Isn’t that cute? Do you remember seeing me take my heart pills? I can’t seem to remember if I took them or what…
Him: I don’t want you telling jokes. I’m not sure I see myself spending time with a comic.
Me: Right. That’s the second time you’ve said you don’t approve of my occupation. I get it. You don’t like it. What do you do?
Him: I go to Pratt. I’m a visual artist.
Me: Oh, that’s really cool!
Him: No, it’s not. I hate art.
Me: You do? Why would you devote your life to it, if you hate it?
Him: It’s not who I am, it’s just my work, you know?
Me: Not really. Comedy is a lot of who I am. I have my days where I am good at it, but I don’t particularly like doing it, but those days are rare. Usually I really like doing it. I’m not getting rich here, so liking it is pretty important to me.
Him: Yeah, I just don’t like the idea of me becoming friends with a comic, you know? Doesn’t really fit in with my view of what I should be doing with myself.
Me: Thanks for your honesty. I am going to walk away now.
Him: WHY?? Stay here and talk to me!!
Me: I don’t know why I should. You’ve gone out of your way to insult my profession three times. You’ve called me old, and you’ve expressed doubt that you’d even like me much, if you got to know me. I might just quit while I’m ahead. You’re super cute. Have a good night.
Him: Let me buy you a drink. Will you drink a gin and tonic with me?
Me: Um… I mean usually I wouldn’t, but I want you to have to pay money for this conversation to continue, so yes. I’ll have one.
Him: Two gin and tonics, please. Let me explain myself. I think you’re attractive – that’s why I’m standing here. But my worldview is complicated and I don’t define myself by being an artist or a Pratt student so I don’t know why you have to run around going ‘I’m a comic’ all the time.
Me: You asked me about it. You asked what I do.
(pause)
Him: Even so. I don’t like comedy, and I think it’s uncool and annoying, and I’m trying to counterbalance my attraction to you with your age and choice of profession.
Me: Honesty. I like that. Keep going please.
Roger Wingfield
Him: Also, to be perfectly honest, there’s a boy here tonight that I’ve been working for a few dates now, and I want to try to seal the deal with him. Talking to you might not be the smartest thing.
Me: And yet here we are. Okay. Did you pay for the drinks?
Him: Yes.
Me: Thanks for the drink. I’m going home. I should have gone home an hour ago. You’re a real charm boat.
Adam Gardiner
Him: Don’t leave like that.
Me: You’re super cute, but you’ve been pretty rotten to me. I’m going to bed. Have a good night.
Him: Come ON!!!
(surprise ending: I do not come on. I go home alone and sleep like a baby.)
Kristen Yoonsoo Kim
Hey, Old Friend
What?
Oh STOP it. That’s just Garho. I’ve known him for years.
He came over to make Strawberry and Fresh Ginger Pie.
What? I don’t know if he’s single? He’s casually dating someone I think.
Why do you keep asking about him? This is my blog. Ask about me.
Okay fine, well then stop being such a creeper.
I met Garho online, a few years ago, when he was planning on moving to Greenpoint.
I saw a few pictures of him and fell in love.
He has ‘husband material’ written all over him, right?
We corresponded online for about 6 weeks, and when he moved here I asked him to meet me for a beer.
We did! We met at Enid’s bar and had one beer each.
It was enough. Garho turned bright red! He has very little alcohol tolerance and is therefore a cheap date, fellas.
What??? I don’t know what size shoe he wears!
That’s a really weird question. Stop asking me questions like that.
So, while we had our beer (years ago) I told him that I was going through a rough break up.
I was! It was really fucking rough, guys. Eight years together. Ugh. I don’t recommend it. Stay together if you can, Gays.
I said that I was not emotionally available for dating, and that was too bad, because he is so super datable.
When he’s not making faces like that, he’s super datable. Trust me.
He looked a little disappointed, two years ago, when I met him for a drink.
I said, hey, actually, you’re dodging a bullet. I’m complicated in strange ways and I’m 453 years older than you anyway.
He laughed. I love getting a laugh. It’s my favorite thing. Better than sex, or money, or even food.
Maybe not food. Let’s not go crazy.
After our beers were finished, two years ago, I proposed a ‘special friendship’ to Garho.
I believe straight people call it ‘friends with benefits.’
Guess what?
Garho laughed again!!! Yay!!! I got another laugh!
Just so you know, fellas, Garho’s not the FWB type. He’s looking for dates, and such.
So, given that we couldn’t be ‘special’ friends, I proposed that we become actual friends.
That did not get a laugh. But it got a smile. We became friends.
Garho is a good friend. He’s very into family, and his social network. He takes ballet and he used to be on the crew team when he was in college.
What?? I don’t know what he smells like. Why would you ask that question, weirdo?
If you see him around town, say hi, and compliment him on being brave and doing PIEFOLK with me.
And hey, ask him on a date, too, while you’re at it. He likes to go out and have fun.
But do yourself a favor, eh?
Keep your creepy weird questions to yourself.
Garho likes it when you act like a gentleman.
So be a gentleman, okay?
Jerk.
Midwestern Visit
My life is strange.
Just putting that out there.
I tend to get contacted by Gay people these days. Gays that I don’t know.
Gays from strange lands, like Iowa.
That’s Huy.
He’s a college student in Des Moines.
He studies Pharmacology.
That means I get free drugs, right??
Wrong. Apparently Huy has a list of these things called eth-ics (am I pronouncing that right?) that preclude him from giving away drugs to pie men. Apparently, you need to have a reason to take pharmacy drugs?
News to me…
For future reference, my favorite is Ambien, but I had to tell my doctor to not prescribe it anymore, because I have a tendency to take it every night if i have it…
Then I get responses to emails that I don’t remember having sent.
Once, I got a letter from a San Fransisco adoption agency thanking me for my interest and asking me about my finances.
Apparently my baby clock is ticking, especially when I am blacked out on Ambien.
Look at how confident he looks.
You’ll never believe this, but when he arrived, late afternoon, he was trembling.
I hugged him hello and he shook. I held him close to me for a few minutes and said kind, comforting things. Then I stole his credit card from his wallet.
(I was out of toilet paper that day)
Just kidding. I didn’t say anything comforting. Who wants to go shopping??
Just kidding. I said nice stuff about how brave he was to contact me, and volunteer for my bizarre art project.
He called me a role model and said that he respected my ideas about queer liberation, and brotherhood – which made me totes nervous, because most of the time it’s my job to act like an idiot in a room full of drunk people (comedy).
I told him he is very attractive.
He seemed surprised, but thanked me and returned the compliment. Some lie about how salt and pepper stubble is super hot.
He said he wasn’t used to getting a lot of compliments from strangers.
I said that was a shame, because he’s clearly a sexwad.
He wondered aloud what a sexwad is, and I changed the subject.
We switched aprons at a certain point in the baking process.
I wanted to see if I look good in yellow (nope), and I was having identity confusion.
He showed up with a pair of fake glasses, just like mine.
Doesn’t that just kill you, a little, inside?
It does me. It kills me. In a good way.
It rips my heart out.
What a sweet pea.
We spent some time together after the pie making.
He came to Thin Skin Jonny: Farewell Reunion Tour at UCB theater. He also saw the Made Up Musical at the Magnet. We took a walk from Manhattan to Brooklyn, over the Williamsburg bridge. He was super sweet.
He’s totally determined to succeed in the world of pharmacy.
I told him that success in any field is 80% determination and 20% being a nice guy.
He contradicted me and said that you also need talent.
I laughed and laughed and laughed and said, no, you don’t need talent.
Talent… That’s a good one!
Who knew he was a comic, too?
The pie we made was a chocolate mousse with a lemon custard on top.
Looks good, huh?
It was decent, but not entirely successful. I used a wonky custard recipe that leaves out milk from the mix. Also, I over zested the lemon, and it was waaaaay tart.
I’ll try this out again, at some point.
Huy. You’re a beautiful, intelligent, talented young man. You’re kind and you listen.
I loved meeting you. You’re welcome in my kitchen any time. Please keep me informed about your successes.
Anna Paquin, let’s not make this awkward.
I’m a comic and I make jokes.
Take it with a grain of salt and count your considerable ducats.
I’ll take it all back when you come out with your first pop album. Pleeeeeeease record a pop album??
Until then I’ll try to behave myself and not be such a jerk.
Jerks.
(i already told you – out of toilet paper that day)
Remember Me?
I invite a problem drinker to my show:
You should come. It’s a damn hell ass good time. And we’re nice. And we’re funny. And we’re nice to people. Well, not me, but the rest of the cast: funny and nice… Robbie, Danny, Marcos, Ari, and Shameless. We’re all nice. Except me.
But I am funny in the show. Come see it. It’s a damn fucking hell ass hoot. Come share that.
Jerks.
PIEFOLK 