WednesDATE: Jack of All Trades

photos by tri vo

Him:  Well hello there.

Me:  Hi.  How are you?

Him:  I’m very well.  How are you?

Me:  I’m fine.  Thanks.

Him:  You’re probably wondering what a man clearly 20 years older than you is doing striking up a conversation in a bar…

Me:  Not really.  We’re sitting next to each other.  I’m not going to barbeque you for being social.

Him:  That’s a wonderful choice.  Allow me to present my card.  My name is Jack, and I do everything.  I am therefore a Jack of All Trades.

Me:  So your card says…

Him:  I’m a singer…  I have my own vodka… And I am a concierge to the world.

Me:  Hm…  what does that entail?

Him:  Being a lot of things to a lot of people.

Me:  Okay.  I can respect that.

Him:  You probably don’t know what to think of me.  A very forward man in his mid-fifties dressed so flamboyantly…

Me:  I’m amused.  Where did you find an entirely red suit?

Him:  It was custom made for me by a friend.  I added the many pendants and broaches myself.

Me:  Good call.

Him:  Thank you.  May I skip right to the point?

Me:  Uh…  Sure…  I guess…

Him:  I noticed you have very big hands.

Me:  Ha.  I guess I do.

Him:  And in my experience -men with big hands are frequently big in other areas.  Do you follow my meaning?

Me:  My feet?

Him:  Amongst other appendages that stick out, yes.

Me:  Okay… I-

Him:  And, well…  I am an appreciator – nay, a connoisseur of the well endowed.

Me:  Heh.  You’re something else.

Him:  You have no idea…

Me:  I…

Him:  Have you ever seen a snake disengage its jaw to swallow a large egg?

Me:  On television.  Not in person.

Him:  It’s similar to that.

Me: I think I get where you’re going.

Him:  Do you?  I’m saying that I have no gag reflex.

Me:  I know.  I get it.

Him:  I’m saying – It doesn’t matter how endowed you are.  I can swallow you whole.

Me:  That’s really clear.   You’ve made that clear.  I get it.  So did you watch the Grammy awards?

Him:  I’m looking for men with big hands that can appreciate a man of my talents.

Me:  Okay.  That’s very funny.  You’re forward, and I appreciate your energy, but I’m probably just here to hang out and relax, buddy.

Him:  You know what’s really relaxing?

Me:  Oh Jesus…

Him:  Having a mature friend who understands how to fully satisfy you without wasting a drop of your precious essence.

Me:  What?  This is by far the most bizarre proposition I’ve had in at least a week.

Him:  Do you understand what I mean when I say ‘essence?’

Me:  Yeah.  I’m not an idiot.

Him:  Sperm.  I’m talking about sperm.

Me:  I GET IT!  I understand what you’re saying.  Just…  Let’s change the subject, okay?

Him:  There’s no need to get hostile.

Me:  I’m not trying to be hostile, but we’re in a public place, and I’m just trying to relax.  I want to be friendly and not rude, but I also don’t necessarily want to have an audible conversation about how you can disengage your jaw like a boa constrictor, although – sidebar:  that’s very impressive…

Him:  Thank you.  From one impressive man to another, I accept your compliment.


Him:  Did you watch the Grammy awards?

Me:  No.  I was just changing the subject.

Him:  How big is your penis?

Me:  Okay.  We’re done.  We’re not talking anymore.

Him:  I was just changing the subject.

Me:  Have a good night.  Jerk.