PIEFOLK

Here’s some photos that were too racy, or weird, or extraneous to make it into the entries they were intended for.  Plus, here’s a conversation I had yesterday about our fair Lady Gaga.

What?

The post is called Odds and Ends.  Get off my back.

I’m kidding. Stay there.

Him:  Typical you.

Me:  What?

Him:  You cozied up to that man at the bank.

(short pause)

Me:  I sure did, didn’t I?  I didn’t even need to.  I was just showing off.

Him:  Why did you do that?

Me:  Practice?

Him:  That sounds about right.

(Pause.  We look at each other.  He looks the same as ever.  He’s different though.)

Him:  What else is new?

Me:  I have a house guest.  I have an amazing house guest.

Him:  Oh yeah?

Me:  That’s right. A very talented young man.  His boyfriend, as it turns out, is very unkind, and likes to act abusive.

Him:  Oh!  So you’ve taken on a ward.

Me:  Sarcasm will get you everywhere.  No, it’s not a ward.  He’s just sad and sweet…  he needed to stay with me for a few weeks.  He’s young.

Him:  Of course he is.

Me:  Stop.  He plays Gaga a lot.  Around the house.

Him:  Does he?

Me:  Don’t say it in that tone of voice.  I mean.  Okay…  Say it in that tone of voice.   But I’ve been thinking about her, lately.

Him:  I don’t believe that at all.

Me:  I have.  Listen – I don’t consume her product, but I kind of like her message, or her politics or whatever…

Him:  Well we all consume her product.  It’s pop culture, and she’s at the top of pop culture right now.

Me:  Fair enough.  But I wouldn’t seek her out if i wasn’t inundated with her right now.  Not as an artist.  But as a person – maybe I would.

Him:  I’m not sure I can forgive her for…  that… travesty. 

Me: Born This Way?

Him:  Yes.  I’m not sure I can forgive… that.

Me: Oh stop it.  Ultimately that song is good for the world.

Him: Disagree.

Me:  Stop.

Him:  Disagree!  I think the message of that song….  UGH!!!  That song!  They hyped that song.   That song could have been so good. 

Me: It’s a good song!  I mean.  It’s not.  But it’s good!  It serves a good purpose.

Him:  The message is thin.  It could have been so intelligently done.

Me:  No.  It couldn’t have.

Him:  What do you mean?

Me:  That song’s not for you.  It’s not for intelligent Brooklyn ultra-liberals who’ve already come to terms with their gayness and learned to love themselves.  It’s not going to reference the counter culture or some esoteric intellectual mode of thought.  It’s for a gay boy in Columbus, OH who just got kicked out of his Mom’s house for being Gay and now works at a thrift store.  That’s who the song is for.  So he doesn’t kill himself.  You’re welcome.

Him:  I’m welcome?

Me:  Yes.  You’re welcome.  She kept a kid from killing himself.  Or she tried to, and she showed other people it might be a good idea to try to stop gay kids from killing themselves.  So, you’re welcome.  I think she’s doing good for the world.

Him: It’s just that song.

Me:  You’re right. It’s not great. But it is ‘GREAT.’

Him:  Disagree.

Me:  Ugh.  What about the speech she gave at the March on Washington?  What about how every time she goes on late night television she mentions Marriage Equality?

Him:  It’s the song.  I like her, but that song.

(long pause)

Me:  It’s woefully bad.   But I love her.  She’s good.

(long pause)

Jerk.

Q:  What’s sexier than an AIDS Walk?

A: A wet AIDS Walk.  A wet, soupy AIDS Walk.

Even so.  Last week I whined and pleaded and bothered and shamed people into sponsoring me.  It worked. My family and friends and some nice people from the internet helped raise 950 dollars for AIDS patient services.

I caterwauled about it on Facebook all week.  It paid off.

It was inspiring.  45,000 people walked, raising 6.2 million dollars.

That’s a staggering number.  That’s amazing.  Good job, 45,000 people.

I am way ahead of you.   You were about to ask whether or not the guy from the EZ PAWN subway ads was there.   Yes.  Yes he was.  A-List celebrities like him always turn out for charity events.

It’s cool to know that he’s a philanthropist, on top of providing the extremely useful service of making it EZ to PAWN things.

I couldn’t help but notice something:  an abnormally large percentage of the AIDS Walkers were ethnic minorities.  This was surprising to me.

I had this idea that there was going to be a bunch of middle class white people there, basking in the East coast liberal glow of their own kindness and charity.  I expected to hear people saying things like, “Oh, my husband and I just took the train in from Connecticut – our daughter is a lesbian doula in Williamsburg and we wanted to support her.”

That was not the case.  There were plenty of white people there, but by and large, I saw a disproportionally large amount of ethnic minorities.  Maybe it was just the groups I was walking with – or maybe whitey needs to step it up next year?

I will say this, though.  I could do without hearing things like, “Damn.  Why they gotta be so many faggots up here?”

Don’t be naive.  It’s the AIDS Walk.  Aside from pushing a secret, evil agenda, faggots love nothing more than AIDS.  Were you asleep in the late 80’s when all the faggots were trying out the stylish new disease everyone was talking about?  Were you not paying attention when those faggots were responsible for the fashion revival of the hospital gown?  Yes…  faggots love AIDS.  AIDS and Lady Gaga.

Were you raised as a mole person under the subway tunnels of New York city? is that why you don’t know what a bozo you look like, using the word ‘faggot’ at the AIDS Walk?

I mean.  Thanks for helping out with the cause and all, but don’t be such a bigot.  Just try.  Just for one day.  Not to be an uneducated fool.  I heard the word faggot at least five times.  And only two of those times were ironic, where one homosexual was saying to another:  ‘Hey faggot.’

Knock it off, otherwise charitable, awesome people.  You look foolish.

All in all the experience was uplifting, though.  Most people were smiling and happy.  There was a charge in the air.

Congrats to everyone that participated – walkers and sponsors.  You guys are awesome.  Now I’m going to get back to what I’m good at – annoying people with my gayness.  And baking.  And finding complicated boys to infuriate me.

I’ve got some good pies planned for the next few weeks.

A big, humble, thanks to everyone who sponsored me.

To everyone else….

Thanks for gawking.

Jerks.

Him:  Are you busy?  Are you around?

Me:  Yeah.  I’m here.  I’m around.  I just got back from a writer’s meeting with my team.  What’s up?

Him:  I just saw The Normal Heart on Broadway. 

Me:  Are you crying?  Oh.  Larry Kramer’s play.  Right?

Him:  Yeah.  It was so moving and so real, and it’s so real.  They still have AIDS, Michael.  People are still dying of AIDS. 

Me:  I know.  And nobody wants to talk about it.  And everyone wants to spread this feel good message about how HIV is livable and more like an annoyance than a disease.  And that’s true for some people.  But it’s still killing some people too.  A lot of people.

Him:  They don’t write plays like that anymore, huh?

Me:  No.  Now it’s all about sexy teenagers who wanna doink each other, or alienated middle-aged people who have secret angers and hatreds brewing under their polite veneers.  They used to write plays that pulled your heart out and stomped on it.  Now they mis-cast things with television stars and turn romantic comedies into musicals.

(Pause.  He starts to cry again.)

Him:  Oh, no.  OH.  NO.   It’s so short.  It’s too short.  Life is so short and everyone is holding on by a thread.

Me:  You’re right.  That’s true.  And it’s precious.  And we have to fight for it sometimes.  And people are beautiful, but they say ugly things, and they hate themselves, and they hate you for loving yourself.

Him:  I don’t know about all that.  I’ve been crying for an hour. I don’t know what to do.  Maybe I’m lonely.

Me:  You are.  You’re lonely, and beautiful.  My God, you’re beautiful.  I knew the very first time I set eyes on you that I was looking at an exceptional human being.  You’re kind, and big-hearted.  There is nothing inside you except a bright light that everyone can see.  Everyone sees it.

Him:  Not everyone.

Me:  Everyone.  The people who don’t get you still see the light, but they are jealous of it.  You are lovely.  And you are very much loved.  And you’re kind.  And you are my brother.  I love you.  Remember those Korean tourists at the bar?  I introduced you to them.

Him:  Yeah.

Me:  I told them:  ‘Speak of Koreans.  I’m about to introduce you to the most beautiful Korean on the planet.  Please keep your tongue in your mouth and guard  your heart carefully.’

Him:  You’re  weird and nice – and that’s not true.

Me:  It was true.  In that moment it was true.  And they agreed with me.  I think you’re the most beautiful guy.

Him:  Thank you.  I’m still crying.

Me:  Are you going to Five Napkin Burger?

Him:  Yes.

Me:  Man.  Five Napkin Burger is your middle name.  Are you going with friends?

Him:  No.  I’m not good at this.   I’m not good at being lonely, and yet I feel like I need to be alone.

Me:  It gets easier.  Lonely gets easier.  If I was there I would give you a big creepy hug.

Him:  Hahahaha!! You would.  You’d give me a creepy hug and say nice things.

Me:  I’m a nice guy weirdo creep sweetheart.  It’s how I roll.

Him:  I’m glad I know you.

Me:  I’m very grateful to know you too.  Can I say one more thing?

Him:  Yes.

Me:  Don’t get mad.

(a long pause)

Me:  I’m 99% sure there’s no God.  I can’t prove it, but I don’t believe there’s a God.  At least, not like the one they write about in Bibles and Korans and Torahs.

Him:  I think there’s a God.

Me:  I know you do.  And I don’t.  But. If.  If there was a God.  If there is a God.  I KNOW FOR A FACT she loves the shit out of you.  She does.  She loves you.

Him:  Hahahaha.   She’s a girl, you think?

Me:  No.  I think She’s you and me.  I think God is you and me, darling.  God is the good things we can see in each other, and the beauty we can share with the world.  That’s it.  That’s all that God is.  Wear a condom.

Him:  I will.  I do.  (pause) I’m going to eat Five Napkin Burger. 

Me:  I wish you lived in Brooklyn.

Him:  Me too. 

Me:  One more thing…

Him:  Yeah?

Me:  Click here to donate to the AIDS WALK.

If you can.  Just if you can.  If you have the extra money.  Okay?

Jerks?

Here is a short animated video.

I ask a busted drag queen to sponsor me on the AIDS Walk:

You can donate too!  Click here!  Yay!!!!

Don’t worry.  Even if you donate, I’ll still call you a Jerk.

Jerks.

I had to make some miniature pies.  Mixed tart berry pies.

A couple friends offered to come over and help with them.  I didn’t want to spend 5 hours baking.  Soth and Louie came by.

I showed them how to bring the dough together.

We talked about our childhoods, and the Prismatic Order, that Louie and I joined for that MMO Rift.

Louie:  Mysterious rifts are tearing the world of Telara apart. A powerful magic explosion during the final days of the Shade War has left the veil between Telara and other planar dimensions fractured and torn.

Me:  Isn’t it sweet that I joined The Prismatic Order, your Defiant LGBT guild in RIFT, even though I don’t play it?  I think I’m a great mascot for something this nerdy.  I’m such a nerd in so many ways.

Louie:  You’re just trying to bother me online.

Me:  Side affect of me REALLY wanting to be a Dark Blooded Half Wood Elf with kick ass Blade skills and a natural resistance to poison.

Louie:  You don’t know what you’re talking about, fool.  You’re a bad person.

Me:  Look.  I’m just trying to organize a little Lord of the Rings Nakey Bakey.  Where have all the Entwives gone anyway?

Louie:  Don’t embarass me on the Prismatic Order.

Me:  That’s a Facebook status update if I ever heard one.

Soth:  What are you two idiots talking about?

Me:  Sorry, Soth…  we were geeking out.  You were saying how your passion is working for non-profits?

Soth:  Yes.  Right now, I guess it is….

Me:  Did you know that I have an amulet of fortitude that makes me take 50% less damage on fire magic?

Louie:  You don’t know what you’re talking about.

Louie:  It’s my thesis.  I want to see what makes people smile.  I want to try to see what happens if I pursue that question.

Soth:  I think that’s noble, or whatever.  It sounds like a decent idea.  Do you have a hard time getting strangers to respond to you?

Louie:  Yes.  I stood on Bedford Ave for six hours the other day.

Me:  Ugh.  Those assholes? Go to Prospect Park.  You can’t expect a genuine exchange from those Bedford types.

Louie:  So I realize.

Me:  Did you know that I have a Ring of Concealment that lets me gain a 60% camouflage bonus if i wear it at night?

Louie:  There’s almost zero reason to talk to you.

Soth:  That’s  a good idea for a thesis.

Me:  Yes!!!  He should do a thesis on enchanted items.

Both:  Shut.  Up.

The pies came out pretty cute!

There was leakage.  The filling leaked out of the crust, a little.

Soth: I studied Photograpy at Dartmuth…

Me:  Why have I heard of that?  Is that in Virginia?

Soth:  Vermont.

Me:  Never heard of it. Is that a state?

Louie:  He’s a bad person.

Me:  Did you know that I have a cloak of warding, that protects me from curses?

Louie:  I’m going to kill you.

Soth and Louie were nice to come over.

We got the pies done in record time.

They’re good guys.

Enjoy the Mini-Pies.

Jerks.