Him: So that was the afternoon I got my acceptance letter to Sarah Laurence College. And I got a scholarship, so I told my parents to suck it.
Me: Haha – good for you. That was a great story.
Him: Thanks. You know – I don’t know what it is, but there’s something about you…
Me: Heh. Thanks. But give it a second – you’ve only known me for 15 minutes. I get progressively less charming with time.
Him: Oh, I don’t believe that.
Me: It’s been proven scientifically. Oh hey – I love this song.
Him: Neutral Milk Hotel?
Me: Yeah – I always really liked this one.
Him: Oh my God, me too… This could totally be our song!
Me: Huh?
Him: When we come here five years from now, on our anniversary – we can ask the bartender to play it because it’s our song!
Me: Heh – all right, all right. You’re getting ahead of yourself, just a little bit, no?
(pause)
Him: Haha – yeah, I’m just joking, silly!
Me: Oh. Of course. Of course you are… heh… So, what do you do for work?
Him: I’m a freelance grant writer.
Me: Oh? Wow.
Him: I know – you didn’t picture yourself with a grant writer, did you? Nobody does – every time I ask that question, nobody does…
Me: I… I don’t know.
Him: Do you like kids? I love children.
Me: I have some nieces and nephews and I gotta say, I like them so much more than I thought i was going to.
Him: What does that mean? That sounds horrible.
Me: Hm. I guess it does, in a way. What I mean to say is – I wasn’t prepared for how much I was going to actually like/love them. They’re really quite wonderful.
Him: That sounds better – do you want kids?
Me: I don’t know. I went through a phase where I thought I did, but now I’m wondering if there aren’t advantages to not having them too… I’m a writer and a comic and it’s pretty enticing, not having to slow down your work load because you had a kid.
Him: Um, ew. We’ll have to work on that answer, mister! I want two kids – a boy and a girl. Holden and Hanna – after Salinger and Woody Allen.
Me: Really? Holden?
Him: You’ll get used to it. So have you thought about a survival job?
Me: What?
Him: Well freelance writing and comedy can’t pay that well, can they?
Me: Well they can, but in my case, no. I barely scrape by. But I’m kind of okay with that.
Him: But how are you going to support a family??
Me: What? I just said that I might not have one.
Him: I know – I was just kidding! Even so, what about Holden and Hanna?
Me: I don’t… What do you do for fun around here? When you’re not grant writing?
Him: I hope you know I plan to retire by the age of 50, if at all possible…
(long pause)
Me: I think we’re getting ahead of ourselves.
Him: Oh you! You always say that!
Me: I do. Always. For the last 25 minutes.
Him: You know, I’m starting to think you’re not even looking for a boyfriend.
Me: I’m not.
Him: What??
Me: I’m not – well not actively, at least. I pride myself on not being the type of guy that needs to find validation through having a boyfriend. Not that I’m dead set against it, I’m just not desperately searching for one.
Him: Ugh. I wish you would have said that online. I feel like my time has been wasted.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Him: Aw! Our first fight! I’m sorry too – I didn’t mean that thing about wasting my time.
Me: …
Him: I’m just kidding! Let’s have another drink.
Me: No.
Him: No?
Me: No. But thanks for meeting up. Jerk.
PIEFOLK 