Him: You’re being extremely unfair!
Me: I’m sorry about that. Did you see August Osage County? What did you think?
Him: Seriously, are you Bisexual?
Me: I keep thinking if I hadn’t seen the Broadway play, I might have really liked the movie. I liked it quite a bit, actually, but I might have been blown away if I hadn’t watched the Broadway show twice.
Him: Don’t change the subject! Stop it.
Me: Julia Roberts really blew the doors off the hinges. It’s worth seeing just for that.
Him: I didn’t see it yet, okay?
Me: Okay. No spoilers, then.
Him: I’m asking you a question, and you’re avoiding it.
Me: I don’t see why I owe you the information. It’s just information, after all.
Him: I read your site for years. I’m extremely curious. What happened? It seems like you’ve made a 180, and I don’t know what to make of all of it. It seems…
Me: Don’t trail off. How does it seem?
Him: Hypocritical. It seems hypocritical. Sorry.
(There is a long pause. I sit on a bench at the bus stop.)
Him: You waiting for a bus now?
Me: Only if it’s an express bus to Canada.
Him: What does that mean?
Me: I dunno. It’s about half a joke. I’ll let you know when/if there’s a punch line.
Him: Hey. I’m sorry I called you a hypocrite – just how I see it.
Me: Ha. Then you’re not really sorry! You’re frustrated about quite a few things, and I’d suspect the root of it has very, very little to do with me.
Him: You can’t just… You can’t write about the gay community for years, and talk openly about being a poly-amorous homosexual – you can’t run some sort of online ‘brotherhood of man’ pie cult for the gays, and then just get married to a woman. Just, poof, you’re married and normal again. Just like that.
Me: Can’t I? Why can’t I? Why can’t I marry whomever I want? Isn’t that the underlined point behind the Marriage Equality movement?
Him: Don’t you feel you owe people like me an explanation?
Him: Because I am one of your readers. Because I’m your audience.
(There is a long pause.)
Me: Well… thank you. I’m flattered you’re reading, that you’re still reading, and that you took the time to contact me. All of these things are incredibly flattering, and part of me agrees with you. A huge part of me thinks I owe it to you to tell you exactly how my sex life is structured, what it means to be LGBTQ in a traditional marriage structure, and send you home with a slice of pie and a warm feeling of hope for tomorrow.
Him: That’s what I’d like, yes.
Me: Then again, I’ve read quite a few books on writing, and while authors agree it is important to have an audience, they seem to also agree that catering things to your audience leads to atrophy in a major way. Bill Cosby said something like, I don’t know what the formula for success is, but I know the formula for failure is trying to please everyone.
Him: Teach me, oh wise one.
Me: I’m not getting paid to teach you, or, for that matter, to tell you how to live your life, or to tell you how I live mine.
Him: Okay, I’ll admit – it’s none of my business.
Me: Thank you.
Him: But I’m CURIOUS.
Me: Yes. You’re curious. That’s exactly right. You expect me to tell you intimate details of my personal life to you, the way I would to my therapist, because you read my site for a while and you feel somehow entitled to missing information. But you’re just an audience member. You’re just tuning in. You don’t know me and you have no real right to my inner physical, emotional, or intellectual life, beyond what I publish on my site, which by the way you read for free – so I owe you even less.
Him: People are going to want to know! You wrote about your sex life for years!
Me: No. Incorrect. I did not.
Him: Yes you DID. You’re being a hypocrite!
Me: Actually, I wrote about awkward dates, urban alienation, and my disappointment in a community full of brilliant, motivated, socially broken people. I almost never mentioned who I was having sex with.
Him: Come off it. You were sleeping with all those boys who made pie with you.
Me: Incorrect. Those were models, or friends, or people who contacted me online who wanted to help. It was very rare I slept with the people on my site.
Me: The “Awkward Dates” happen with people I don’t sleep with. That is the whole point: Here’s how NOT to sleep with me. The irony is, it’s pretty easy to sleep with me, if you’re cute and sweet, but most gay people have no interest in being kind, gentle, or generous of spirit – at least the ones who live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn don’t. They think they don’t have to, and in some sense, they’re correct. Someone will stomach their painfully underdeveloped, spoiled, sour personalities. But that someone isn’t me…
Him: Still seems hypocritical to me.
Me: You’ve now called me a hypocrite three times.
Me: So take a deep breath.
Me: I’m about to tell you what I think about you.
(Pause. He looks concerned. I take a deep breath and count to ten.)
TO BE CONTINUED…
3 thoughts on “MonDATE: Bisexuals and the Right to Privacy, Part Two”
While he may never understand why you chose to marry a woman, it is fair to say that he feels betrayed by you, especially since you have tried to build up a community based on the acceptance of gay ideals. If you say that that wasn’t what you’re trying to do, and that you’re sharing random aspects about your lives, I think you know you’re lying somehow, especially looking at your older writing.
You don’t owe him an explanation for why you did whatever you did, but you certainly cannot fault him for feeling let down by your decisions. You don’t create camaraderie and talk about it, and then toss it aside when people hear and embrace your message. Sure, you have every right to lead your life you want, but real people with real feelings feel like their lives have been touched by your message.
The marriage equality you have talked about in your older posts was most definitely NOT about a homosexual man’s right to marry a straight woman; they have always had that right — it’s called “traditional marriage,” as defined by whomever defined marriage ought to be between a man and a woman. The right for a man to marry a man, or a woman to marry a woman, that’s what people have been fighting for these days, and I’m pretty sure the LGBT community isn’t fighting for gay men and women to marry whom they were expected to marry in times prior to this. Don’t sully your message, once again it’s hurtful to the readers.
Of course, you can choose to ignore what your readers, that is your right as a human being, but don’t get defensive when your readers choose to call you out on it. Should “gay” men have the right to marry “straight” women? They should, if they truly wish to. Everyone should be able to marry anyone they want or no on should. But since the institution of marriage is so tied up with the concept as being “for love,” little wonder that that poor guy feels confused, and wonders if you also love women, to the point that you should be moved to marry them.
Perhaps my feelings on camaraderie changed or evolved over time? I’m certainly not lying about my perspective, or about what my own LGBTQ ideals are – those things are allowed to evolve and change with time. I cannot stay fixed, set, or unchanging. I’m a living being. I am allowed to have one opinion in 2010, and another in 2014. That doesn’t make me a liar or a hypocrite – It just means my opinion has evolved. This person wants to know intimate details about my sex life, and lives the majority of his life in the closet. Perhaps there’s some hypocrisy there, too?
I agree. Seems like the guy calling you a hypocrite is a hypocrite himself and not very self aware. Some people expect more out of others than they do of themselves and have an entitled attitude about it.