Sometimes people ask me on dates. They see me online. Maybe they think I’m the answer to their life’s problems, or loneliness. Invariably, I prove them wrong:
Him: It’s good to see you. Surprising.
Me: Yeah, I never come here
Him: Yeah. That’s why I come here.
Me: That’s a good reason.
Him: Well, it’s good to see you , in any case. Let’s grab a drink and catch up?
Me: I’m not drinking, but I’ll buy you one.
Him: Okay. I HAVE been drinking. But it’s good to see you. Man, I was crazy for a while, there, wasn’t I?
Me: We were both crazy. I was resistive to getting close and you… were… we were both crazy.
Him: I’ll take a gin and tonic
Me: A gin and tonic, please.
Him: You were crazy. You couldn’t commit.
Me: Well I wasn’t that crazy, was I? I didn’t read anyone’s email.
Him: I knew you would bring that up.
Me: You violated my privacy.
Him: You left it open.
Me: I left the house to buy an onion to add to the dinner I was making for you.
Him: I see you’re cooking a lot. I’m glad to see PIEFOLK is going well.
Me: People are responding! Thanks. That’s nice of you to say.
Him: Let’s go dance.
Me: I don’t dance.
Me: I never claimed I was going to make you feel like that. Do you want to feel like Rihanna?
Me: Convienient. I feel like slapping you.
Him: Buy me another drink.
Me: Do I have a choice?
(one hour later. on the subway platform)
Me: Wow. That was aggressive…
Him: What do you mean?
Me: You put me in a headlock, and ran me down the stairs toward the train tracks.
Him: One of these days I’m going to kill you.
Me: Well not today. I am going to walk to the other end of the platform. It was good to see you. I’m glad you’re dating someone new.
Him: You broke my heart. I was always the heart breaker.
Me: I’m sorry about that. I felt like I could never catch up. You kept closing the gap as I choked and asked for space. It was the wrong time for me. I was really broken, back then. I’m only now starting to like myself again. But I’m glad I ran into you. It seems like you want to be friends.
Him: You fucking asshole. I will NEVER be your friend! That will NEVER HAPPEN. You broke my heart. I can’t be your friend.
Me: Ironic, because I never asked you for more than a simple friendship. Why does everyone want just one more handful than what they’re allowed? If you really respected me, you would have listened to me when I said, don’t fall in love with me.
Him: You worthless whore!
Me: Oh god. It’s a Gothic novel now? Here? On the subway platform? Just calm down. We got through most of the evening already. You’ve been drinking.
Him: I had ten drinks.
Me: That’s a lot. I had zero.
Him: Why are you driven to be such a whore? What’s wrong with you, that you couldn’t take a loving life with me. Live together. Raise child?
Me: WE DATED FOR FIVE MONTHS. Five months. This is part of the problem. You never stopped putting pressure.
Him: You’re a selfish asshole.
Me: No, actually. You. You’re an asshole. We were nice to each other for about an hour and a half, and now you want to burn it to the ground. That makes you the asshole.
Him: You fucking slut.
Me: You’re a drunk asshole! You’re being a drunk asshole.
Him: I’m not a drunk asshole.
Stranger: You are.
Stranger: Not a judgment, but you’re drunk. Admit it. You’re really drunk.
Him: Get the fuck off of me. You want to try to tell me what to do? You stink? What’s that on your breath? M and M’s? Disgusting. Get out of my face. I’ll destroy you. I’ll smash you.
Me: Knock it off. Right. Now. You happy? You impressed with yourself? Did you belittle the man on the subway that was just trying to stick up for me??! Are you proud that you threatened him? That you threatened me? I’m so impressed. You’re right. I totally should have bitten the bullet and moved in with you. What a great future father for my child!! Wow! I really missed out! Get on the FUCKING TRAIN.
Him: What are you? Taking a PICTURE? Don’t you fucking blog me.
Surprise ending: No break up sex. Yes restraining order.
Just kidding about the restraining order. Jerks.