Him: My friends say I’m self absorbed but I don’t think I am. I just like focusing on myself, and what I’m doing, and I get wrapped up in it to the extent that I don’t notice other people.
Me: That doesn’t sound self absorbed at all.
Him: You’re an idiot.
Me: You’re adorable. Hey, let’s duck into this deli. I want some coffee.
Him: Okay.
Vinnie: Hey, Mike!!! What-a can I a get for you?
Me: I’ll have a large coffee – milk, no sugar.
Vinnie: And-a you friend?
Him: I’m good. Unless. Do you carry Four Loko?
Me: He’s kidding. You’re kidding, right?
Him: Jerk – It’s the middle of the afternoon. You’re not the only funny person in the world.
(I smile. I love when people call me a Jerk now. I also consider that he might be right: There might be other funny people in the world. Nah.)
Me: Just the coffee, please.
Vinny: Comin’ right up.
(Another Customer enters. He’s clearly old friends with Vinny.)
Another Customer: A!!!!!!! O!!!!!!!! Look who it is!!! It’s Vinny. Vinny the fuckin’ HOMO!!!
(Vinny is not a homosexual. He has a wife and children who I am well acquainted with. His deli is next door to my apartment and I’ve been going there for years.)
Vinny: You are!!!! You a fuckin’ HOMO!!!
Another Customer: You!!! You’re the fuckin’ HOMO.
Vinny: All the dick you suck, and you think-a I’m a HOMO???
(Pleasegivememycoffeepleasegivememycoffeepleasegivememycoffee)
Vinny: Hey-a Mike! You think-a I’m a big HOMO? Or this-a guy?
Another Customer: Yeah! Who’s a bigger faggot, me or him?
(Long pause. I consider saying something diplomatic. I consider just walking out. Instead:)
Me: Why don’t we try this? Why don’t you two bend over and pull your pants down? Then, I’ll take turns fucking you both and we’ll see which one enjoys it more? Then we’ll know who’s a bigger HOMO!!!! A!!!!! O!!!!!! On second thought, maybe I’ll just take my coffee and continue on my date with this attractive, polite young man, since you two are both dumpy, middle aged idiots. Capiche?
(Silence. I pay for my coffee. There is a long pause.)
Me: Now is where you tell me to have a nice day.
Vinny: Have a nice day.
Me: Thank you. O!!!!!!
Surprise Ending!!! I’m never going back to that deli! It’s the closest and most convenient to my house, and I won’t ever set foot in there again! I’m not humorless and I know Vinny was joking, but I still won’t do it! I don’t need that energy in my life and I don’t need to associate with people that put that energy out into the world. I don’t wish him ill, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to send his kids to college with my candy bar money.
P.S. The rest of the date went really well. He’s so sweet and cute, and kind! You can’t let someone steal your joy, kids. Don’t let your whole day get ruined just because of the actions of one –
Jerk.
PIEFOLK 