Hey I love your blog and I found it on Google. I do need advice cause I have issues that are bothering me. My bf and I (or I should say hubby – we did a little wedding in France but that does not count here) have been together since I was 11 and he was 15.
I am 21 now but I feel like he is still treating me like the kid that I was. I know that I am not as strong as he is and not as masculine, but I feel like that should not mean that I can’t be independent, right? He won’t let me stand up for myself and if someone offends me he always gets my battles for me, or sends his friends to do it.
I recently graduated but now he won’t let me look for work he is saying that the economy is not good now and I will be under payed. I feel kept and useless and I don’t like it. But I am scared to bring it up cause he gave me a good spanking one time when I disobeyed him.
What should I do? I feel like its my fault this has gone this way. I got a tattoo when I was 14 saying ‘owned by (first ,last name)’. What should I do? Please help?
JJ
Hey J.J.,
I think you realize how abusive and controlling and manipulative this relationship is, right? He beats you. He gives you orders. He’s been having sex with you since before you even went through puberty. This relationship is no good.
Why do you think he really doesn’t want you working? I suspect you already know – it’s because the idea of you being self sufficient terrifies him. It’s the same reason he fights your battles for you. He needs you to need him. It’s a co-dependent power struggle. And, J.J. – you’re not without your role in this. It takes two people to dance this dance, buddy.
I think it’s time to break the pattern. I think you know it’s time, otherwise you wouldn’t be reaching out to a stranger asking for help. You’re becoming a man, and you want to establish your own identity. But up until now, your identity has been ‘property of so-and-so.’ You owe it to yourself to explore who you are as an individual, and you’ll never be able to get that done if you stay with this man.
It’s arguable that he’s been molesting you since you were 11 years old. I’m not sure what the legality of the issue is, but I know there’s a huge difference between 11 and 15. This guy’s been in your head since you were a child. Half your life. You’ve got to get yourself out of this situation.
This isn’t love. This is a cycle of abuse you’re participating in. He’s never going to change, or treat you differently, or realize that you’re powerful. If you try to get him to recognize your independence I suspect he’ll become violent again. He’s already manipulative and controlling. And he’s ‘spanked’ you once? That’s straight up domestic abuse.
Get yourself out of the situation. Stay with family, or friends. Or go to a domestic abuse shelter if you’re able. Get out, and stay away from this man. He’s not a good man. He might be sexy, and charming, but he sounds like a sociopath. I know you think you love him, but if you look really deeply into that feeling, don’t you have to admit that it’s based on fear? Sure it is. It’s because he’s tricked you into thinking you need him. You don’t.
Get away from him. Own yourself. Otherwise you’ll never be the man you want to be. And that’s a terrible thing to have to live with.
PIEFOLK 
Everyone grows and everyone changes. That is exactly why most older people don’t recommend getting married when you’re really young. You’re still discovering who you are. It is nice (or really fucked up) that someone fell in love with (or Raped you) you when you were 11 but that was 10 years ago. You were a boy then, you are man now. If he is physically forcing you to do anything against your will you have to leave. The sooner the better, and reach out not just to strangers but to people you know. Unfortunately abusive people have a deep capacity attempt to do harm.
The good news is, you are becoming a man. You know that you would like to have a job, independence, friends. Anytime someone tries to seperate you from friends or family, run like hell, what comes next will be so much worse.
It made me a little sad that you said “I know that I am not as strong as he is and not as masculine.” What the hell does that have to do with anything? I’m not as strong or masculing as a lot of people. Sometimes I can fight my own battles but my real strength is just walking away from situations that don’t suit me. Sometimes it takes more strength of charecter to walk away than to stay and fight.
If I were to predict your future here is what I see:
You will assert yourself to your Husband and tell him what you need he will put you off for as long as he can. You will decide no more excuses and actually try to get a job, he will try to sabotage that in subtle ways. When you get a job he will try to sabotage it in more straight forward ways, making you late, calling your job, telling lies, hiding your clothes (sounds crazy but that’s what abusive people do,) possibly physically restraining you. You may put up with it once but then you will be stuck back home and no one will be happy. Hopefully you will have had more of a chance to make friends who don’t really know him and who you can at least count on to give you a clear perspective when you need to talk to someone (he’ll probably try to steal your phone or break it.) Things will get bad and you’ll have to run away somewhere Family maybe, friends maybe, maybe a shelter. It will be the scariest thing you’ve ever done but it will also show you just how strong you can be.
… years will go by and you will have grown and you will realize that he never had, you will come to feel sorry for the stunted emotional cripple you used to know.
or not, just make sure you’re having fun, and don’t let crazy people near drugs, it only makes things worse.
Amen!
I really appreciate all of your advice columns, Michael. You’re never one to hesitate. Even though I haven’t yet been in a similar situation as those who ask your advice, I feel a bit more prepared for the future after having read your responses. 🙂