Him: Oh man! That guy we met was so hot.
Me: He was pretty cute, huh?
Him: It’s always like that. I always meet the cutest guy, right when I’m leaving the bar.
Me: What do you mean?
Him: I’m talking about the guy we met at the bar, right when we were leaving. When I bought those shots of Jager.
Me: Right. That was the same guy you were dancing with for like half an hour.
Him: What? No it wasn’t. Was it?
Me: Yeah. It was the same guy you were dancing with and bragging about how jealous you were making his boyfriend.
Him: Whatever, I just breathed new life into their tired old relationship.
Me: If you say so. This train is taking forever…
(pause)
Him: Are you coming home with me?
(pause)
Me: Are you asking me back to your place for sex?
Him: Well. No. I probably won’t have sex with you. But cuddles…
Me: No.
Him: Why?
Me: I don’t know. It’s been a busy week. Quite frankly I haven’t even had time to masturbate and it’s kind of building up inside me, I think.
Him: So?
Me: So, you pulling your normal hi-jinx might not put me in the best mood…
Him: What? How do I normally behave?
Me: You’re pretty much a good friend when you’re sober, but when you drink a lot you like to dick tease me.
Him: That’s not nice. Why would you say that?
Me: You do! You make out with me at the bar and then invite me home where you make out with me again for about ten minutes and then start back peddling about how we’re just friends and we shouldn’t act like this…
Him: That’s called expressing affection.
Me: It’s called being a tease. Maybe it’s affection if it happens once or something, but every time we hang out and there’s drinking involved…. Plus, you’re so wasted that you thought the guy we talked to at the bar was a new person, and you’d been dancing with him all night.
Him: Psssht. It was dark in there… Let’s congregate near those black people over there…
Me: Stop it. You’re in one of your moods.
Him: What’s that mean?
Me: You’re in one of your push-the-envelope moods. I can’t see why we should go over to those people when you’re in one of your instigating moods.
Him: What could happen?
Me: I’m running different scenarios and I don’t come up with any good outcomes.
Him: You’re no fun.
Me: Because I don’t want to go bother those people? Hey. The train is here. Get on the train.
(we get on the train)
Him: If you could change anything about our relationship from the past 6 years what would you change?
Me: Well, firstly, we’ve only known each other for 4 years.
Him: Whatever, what would you change?
Me: I… I guess I’d be more sensitive toward your feelings, there, in the beginning when you had that crush on me.
(pause)
Me: What would you change?
Him: Oh, I wouldn’t have talked to you. At all.
Me: What??
Him: Yeah. You put me through a whole lot of pain and heart ache. I wish I could go back and never have gotten to know you.
Me: What a thing to say.
Him: Sorry.
Me: You say the sweetest things. Really.
Him: It’s just how I feel. Sometimes I wish I never met you.
(long pause)
Me: Well this is my stop. I’m transferring here.
Him: Just come home with me.
(pause)
Me: No… But have a nice night. Congrats again, on passing the bar.
Him: Fuck you.
Me: I love you, kiddo.
Him: Fuck. You.
Me: Please get home safe. Jerk.
PIEFOLK 
hot hot hot! i’m posting this to big shoe diaries on 11/11.
that was heartbreaking…. it’s pretty great that you can be his friend even when he is lashing out and trying to hurt you.
i owe him a lot. we have a complicated little dance that we do.