ThursDATE: Don’t Compliment Me

Him:  This is pretty nice.

Me:  What?  This apartment?

Him:  Yeah.  It’s pretty nice.

Me:  Oh.  Jeez.  It’s small, and it’s in a building that was built before World War II, but thanks.

Him:  Still.  By New York standards…

Me:  You’re right.  Anywhere else in the country, this would be meh, but in New York it’s a palace.

Him:  Let’s not go that far.

(Pause)

Me:  I can’t believe you’re here.

Him:  Why not?

Me:  I didn’t think you liked me, when I was flirting with you at Metro.

Him:  Really?  I couldn’t tell if you were flirting or not.

Me:  REALLY?  I thought I was laying it on thick.  I had my arm around you, and it was 200 degrees out.

Him:  Yeah, but you kept touching everyone.

Me:  Awcrap.  Yeah, I’m a Jerk that way.  I have to make sure everyone knows I like them.  Plus it was a lot of my friends there and I like making connections and introducing people, etc.

Him:  Yeah.  You were really working on that crowd.

Me:  I have my moments.  But seriously – you couldn’t tell I was flirting with you, hard?

Him:  Maybe.  I’m not used to people flirting with me.

Me:  Really?  You’re extremely pretty.

Him:  Don’t.  I don’t like that.

Me:  Compliments?

Him:  I don’t want to be called pretty.  Why can’t you say that I’m hot?

Me:  You are hot.  And handsome.  And pretty.

Him:  That’s okay.  I can be pretty sometimes, but sometimes I get to be handsome too, okay?

Me:  Okay.  That’s easy ’cause it’s true.

Him:  You’re weird.

Me:  Tell me something I don’t know.  My family’s been saying that for years.

(Pause.  I look at him.  He’s pretty.  I suppress the urge to say so.)

Me:  Well…  I mean…  I had to move all those people all the way across the bar in order to stand next to you.  Then I had to think of a lame reason to start talking to you.  Then for some odd reason I put my arm around you even though it was the hottest day ever = I was definitely flirting with you.  Plus your friend was giving me the stink eye.

Him:  He’s really protective of me.  Sorry.  I don’t get people flirting with me much.

Me:  That’s hard to believe.  You’re super pretty, er, good looking.  Maybe you’re going to the wrong places.  Seems like Metro is a good place to go if you’re an art fag who wants to roll his eyes at other art fags and judge everyone for not being cool enough.

Him:  It’s not like that when you’re Asian and gay.  People don’t flirt with you.

Me:  Not true.  I’m flirting with you RIGHT NOW.

Him:  Yes, but we already established that you’re weird and not the normal type of Gay.

Me:  Thank god.

Him:  Thank god. 

Me:  Just kidding.  There’s no god.

(Pause.  He eyes me, suspiciously.)

Him:  But most people who flirt with me are much older and want me to put on high heels and panty hose.

Me:  Ha.  I wait until the third date to ask people to do that.

(Pause)

Him:  I hope you’re joking.

(Pause.  I consider telling him I’m joking, but then I think it might be funny if I just say nothing.  It’s not.  It’s just awkward.)

Him:  Anyway.  No.  People don’t flirt much.

Me:  I find that odd because you’re very attractive and smart and your butt is wow.

Him:  Gays are awful to Asians.  You’re full of compliments, aren’t you?

Me:  Yes.  I’m doing it on purpose.  When I’m on a date I try to find things that are true and positive to say about the other person.  It’s called ‘dating.’

Him:  Are we?  Is this a date?

Me:  I dunno.  Maybe we’re just sitting on my couch and I’ve got this Lost in the Trees Pandora station on for no reason.  That’s a nice tattoo.

Him:  You’re doing it again.

Me:  I am?

Him:  Compliments.  I don’t do that.  You shouldn’t do that too much.

Me:  I shouldn’t?

Him:  People take advantage.  You can’t show them your good side at first.  You have to show them that you’re tough, or they’ll take advantage.

Me:  They will?  Are you sure?

Him:  I’ve had a hard life.  Things have been tough.

Me:  You seem a little angry.

(Pause)

Me:  I know what you mean, I think.  People act like assholes a lot.  But you can still be nice to strangers.  Sometimes it leads to amazing places.

Him:  I’m not sure I believe that.  I’m glad you think that though.  Life hasn’t been kind to me.

Me:  I’ve been through rough patches too, kiddo.  But we have to make the best of what’s in front of us.  Do you think I’m good looking?

Him:  Duh.  I’m here aren’t I?

Me:  I’m flattered.  Maybe we should take our clothes off and have crazy Gay sex?

Him:  Nice try.  Maybe we should keep our underwear on and cuddle until we fall asleep.

Me:  I’ll take it.  Maybe next time we have a date we’ll have sex?

Him:  Maybe you’ll wait until I’m ready.  Jerk.

(Maybe I will!)