Hand Made Whipped Marshmallow Ganache with Graham Cracker Crust – by Jocelyn Guest
Me: Tao Yan! Thanks for answering! You sound so pretty.
Him: Oh, brother.
Me: You do!
Him: People don’t sound pretty.
Me: You do. I love your voice. I can picture you in my head, now. I was forgetting what your face looked like – scary. Now it’s so clear in my mind. You’re the prettiest guy I ever…
Him: Michael. Please don’t –
Me: See, now, see – thing is, I’ve had a lot of time to think, and I think we should just think about that fight as an accident, right? Like an emotional accident. Forgive and forget, right?
(long pause)
Him: I can’t do that.
Me: Stop. I forgave you the next day. It’s not the first time a boyfriend has Sherlock Holmes’ed my phone.
Him: Sherlock Holmes’ed?
Me: When you look through someone’s phone. Because Sherlock Holmes is always looking for clues and schmausing around where he wasn’t invited.
(long pause.)
Me: I already forgave you for that. We’ve all read Anne Frank’s diary, after all. It’s the modern equivalent.
(long pause)
Him: …….. yay…. you made a joke…..
(long pause)
Me: Come home?
Him: You’re not even home. You ran away to L.A.
Me: It was a job interview! They had me sequestered in a hotel for three days and wouldn’t let me talk to other people. It was bizarre and kind of scary. I missed you the whole time.
Him: You fucked that guy, and you told me you didn’t.
Me: No. I didn’t.
Him: Yes you did.
Me: I didn’t.
Him: Yesyoufuckingdid!
Me: NO. I forgot to mention the awkward-grope-of-a-non-fuck we had. It was late, and we’d both been socializing a lot that night. Boners were hard to come by. It was more like rolling around.
Him: The rule was you have to tell me everything.
Me: Untrue. Stop grandstanding. I love you. Please, just let it go and love me back?
Him: You were supposed to tell me everything!
Me: According to what conversation? We talked about this a million times and set forth a million ways for it to work! You said you’d want to know every single detail, and I thought a kiss-and-tell model would be un-weildy.
Him: And look what happened. You’re gone, and I’m dealing with your mess.
Me: Stop it. We had an STD scare. Stop making it a huge thing. Seriously. I’ve been a fag for 20 years. This is level 3 panic mode. You’re giving me a 9.
Him: You hurt me!
Me: You don’t know this, because I was busy calling you a thief, and a liar, and just generally awful the night I found out you betrayed my trust – but me and Kyle didn’t even have sex.
(pause)
Me: Sorry. The word ‘betray’ sounds biblical. You just had a lapse of judgement, probs.
(long pause)
Me: You read what you read, Sherlock. You think you know what went down? Judge, jury, executioner?
(pause)
Me: I didn’t fuck him.
(long pause)
Me: We were tipsy. We could barely even get our clothes off. It was a mistake.
Him: I told you about Skinny Guy, and you told me about Montreal Jimmy.
Me: And we had a threesome with Art World Guy, don’t forget.
Him: Exactly. Things were getting out of control.
Me: Stop. That’s your fear talking. That’s not so much indiscretion. I fucked up cause I didn’t tell you about one thing that was ultimately a debacle. You’re using this as an excuse to try to leave me because you feel abandoned. I’m coming back in a week, whether I book this gig or not.
Him: This won’t work for me. You don’t believe in monogamy.
Me: Maybe I don’t, but I believe in you and me.
Him: What’s that supposed to mean?
Me: It means I’d be monogamous for you, if you wanted to settle down. Pay a mortgage. Grab a foster kid and see if we’re good dads? Start a business?
(long pause)
Me: We have a few weeks until March 1st. Will you think about it?
(long pause)
Me: You’re the first person I’ve been able to give my heart to in a long time. This is awful, being away from you, having you break my heart when I’m trying to book the best gig of my life. Just come home.
(long pause)
Me: Will you think about it at least? I need you on my side. I love you so hard. All this bickering lately will settle down once we live together. I’ve been through this phase of a relationship before.
(long pause)
Me: Think about it?
(long pause)
Him: Okay.
Me: Take your time. I’ll be home soon.
PIEFOLK 