Him: Michael, this Christmas has been perfect. Just perfect.
Me: Thanks Yoshi. I had a good time too… Drew and his boyfriend are super nice, aren’t they?
Him: Yes, and I can’t believe we got to sing songs around a piano. Perfect Christmas!
Me: Yeah. It was idyllic, right?
Him: I loved singing the Rocket Man, and how everyone jumped in to help.
Me: Haha. You gave it a hell of an effort. You’re a Rocket Man, Yoshi!
Him: Yes. I’m tired of being Art Director. Where can I apply to be karaoke superstar?
Me: I’m not sure it works like that… Unless you apply to be on American Idol. I think you have to develop a following.
Him: What about subway ride? We almost got challenge for violent conflict.
Me: What? That guy? He thought we were talking about him. I diffused it. Then he was fine.
Him: We were talking about him.
Me: I know. It’s your fault. Don’t ask me which subway rider deserves the Human Garbage Award for 2010, if you don’t want feedback. I just happened to pick the drunkest, most obnoxious looking hipster in the train. In any case, I charmed my way out of a fist fight with the guy.
Him: I was surprised how quickly you made that lie up. ‘We were talking about how much we liked your shirt.’
Me: I did like his shirt. Oh man! I totally forgot to tell him that he won the Human Garbage Award!
Him: Oh no! You could have made his Christmas perfect, too…
Me: I’m just a Grinch, that way.
Him: What is Grinch?
Me: Oh. It’s a green man who ruins Christmas.
Him: That’s not you. You made Christmas perfect. Delicious food and presents exchanged, and wine and singing around the piano.
Me: Yeah. Thanks. I had a great time with you too, Yoshi.
Him: I wanted to tell you something.
(pause)
Me: Uh oh. Don’t do it, Yoshi.
Him: What? You made a perfect day. I just want to tell you something in my heart.
Me: Please don’t do this. I’m not ready for all this, Yoshi.
Him: You always say you’re not ready.
Me: I’m NOT. You met me about 2 weeks after I ended a long relationship. I told you it was best if we just hung out and had a good time. I told you I wasn’t looking for my next boyfriend, and to please just think of me as a friend.
Him: That’s what I did.
Me: That’s NOT what you did. You started side swiping me with surprise romantic dinner dates and theater tickets. It was flattering and you’re a sweet man, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m all stirred up inside right now, and can’t really give my heart to anyone.
Him: Why not? Why can’t you just try to make a life with Yoshi? What’s wrong with me, that I can only say that we’re friends, or if I push really hard you’ll agree that we’re ‘casually dating?’
Me: Why do you have to push so hard?? Why don’t you have any respect for my feelings? I keep asking you to keep it casual between us, but if I let you stay the night once a week, you want to do it twice the next week. AND. What’s with you sending me Craigslist ads for loft apartments??
Him: I just want you to know what kind of life we could have togetether…
Me: You do realize don’t you, that it comes off really bizarre? We have a conversation on Monday about us taking our time and giving each other space, and then on Tuesday I get an email with photos of an apartment? Especially when you annotate it with notes about how you’d decorate it.
Him: Minimalist. Sleek. Luxurious.
Me: You’re not taking my feelings seriously, Yoshi.
Him: So much you could have, if you let me close to you.
(pause)
Me: Thank you. You’re very kind. But I wish we could give each other space and let things happen naturally. I feel like you’re on a timetable here, with a list of goals.
Him: So. Because it was so perfect… tonight… Christmas… I wanted to say-
Me: Yoshi. Stop smiling. I’m not laughing. Look at me. This is NOT the right time to do this. I made a nice Christmas for us. Don’t reward me by making me feel awkward, or guilty. I don’t deserve that.
(long pause)
Him: But I want to tell you…
Me: Don’t.
Him: I want to say it. Just once.
Me: I’m not going to be at ALL happy, if you say it. I told you I only wanted a close friendship. Why does everyone want just a little more than what’s on the menu?
(long pause)
Him: I love you.
Me: Goddamnit.
(long pause)
Me: Okay. We’re drunk. Can we go to bed and talk about it tomorrow, sober?
Him: Do you love me?
Me: Yes. But not the way that you mean it. Not how you love me. I’m sorry…
Him: What do I have to do?
Me: I don’t know. I’m sorry. Can we go to sleep, please?
(long pause)
Him: Oh, no. I ruined Christmas!
(I start crying.)
Me: No you didn’t. But just stop pressuring me for just a minute, okay? Let’s just go to bed.
Him: Can we have Creamy Times?
Me: That’s the grossest euphamism I’ve ever heard.
Him: You made it up.
Me: Fair enough.
(long pause)
Me: Yes, we can have Creamy Times… But, tomorrow we have to have a long talk.
PIEFOLK 