Him: We should have shots! Have you ever had a Bitchy Drag Queen?
Me: No. I mean, yes, but no.
Him: What? You’re weird.
Me: I know. So tell me more about you. What’s your dating life been like, so far?
Him: Oh. I like older guys. Older. Like, you’re probably too young for me. Like older guys.
Me: I get it.
Him: Old. Like much older.
Me: Okay.
Him: Like the last guy I had really good sex with was 50.
Me: Okay. Yes. I get it.
Him: But he was ripped, you know? And hot. Older guys are hotter.
Me: If you say so. I’ll buy it, I guess.
Him: There’s something else about older guys too…
Me: What’s that?
Him: They don’t seem to care.
Me: About what?
Him: I can’t put my finger on it. It’s like they’ve been there already, and they’re not worried about impressing you, and they’re not hypersensitive about your opinion.
Me: Yeah. Young people can be like that.
Him: I hate it. I have had sex with younger guys and it’s always a shit show.
Me: Why?
Him: Take your pick. They’re not good at sex. They get their feelings hurt at the drop of a hat. They don’t care about your feelings at all though.
Me: Ha. I knew a poet like that once.
Him: Really?
Me: Yeah, he would go on and on about how shy and fragile and sensitive he was, but he was only sensitive to his own feelings, not yours. He didn’t care at all if he’d hurt or disappointed you. Actors can be like that too, to an extent.
Him: Comics too, I bet.
Me: Comics are different.
Him: Why?
Me: Because they’re real people. If anything, their flaw is that they care too much, and cover up by being clownish, or sarcastic.
Him: I don’t think that’s true.
Me: I’m probably wrong. I frequently am.
Him: Stop it. You’re so crazy. I like older guys. Nothing can phase them. They’re like rocks.
Me: Well yeah. They were your age, and they were pretty, sensitive, talented, relevant.
Him: They still are.
Me: Maybe, but then 15 – 35 years of awful, coarse, wonderful, terrifying, giddy, disappointing, enlightening things happened to them. And now they’re different. And also tired. I’m tired a lot more often than I used to get.
But I also work more than I ever did, so I guess I earned my tiredness.
Him: See?
Me: See what?
Him: See, that’s something that a young person would never say. ‘I earned my tiredness.’ That’s what I like about older guys. They’re real. Not like young guys, who are petty, and awkward, and selfish. They’ll spend the night dancing with you, and then buy you a drink at the end of the night, and if you get drunk enough they’ll make out with you. But they don’t really want to get to know you. They don’t care about you. They’re only ‘having an experience’ for the night. And they’ll pretend to care. But nobody does. Nobody cares at 2am when you’ve had too many Midori sours and you just need a friend. But an older guy will…
Me: Midori sours? Why would anyone…
Him: I’ve tried to reach out to them. They suck, okay?! I’ve tried to open my heart to younger people but they don’t know how to take that gift and make something of it. They just eat it and shit it out and wonder if there’s more. Or worse, they hope there isn’t more. I’m so tired of having a significantly affectionate date with a younger guy, only to have sex with him and then have him desperately try to distance himself from me the next day. Where are those shots? We need shots!
Me: We don’t need shots. I’d say we’ve had plenty.
Him: Then take me home.
Me: How about I get you a cab? I like you but you’re a little wasted.
Him: When will I stop being young? I hate it.
Me: Believe me, it’s a curable affliction.
Him: Take me h-ohmygod you just flagged a cab down! What a jerk.
Me: You’re wasted and I have to work in the morning.
Him: Jerk.
Me: I know.
Him: You’re a jerk.
Me: I know.
Him: You’re also old.
(pause – two short blasts from a car horn)
Me: I know. Now go home.
Him: See? Nobody cares at 2am.
Me: Nobody does.
PIEFOLK 