The JFK and Jackie O of Our Generation

IMG_4141adam gardiner

Me: You are polyamorist?

Him: I have been, yes. I’m no longer practicing necessarily, but I believe in it.

Me: Oh wait a minute – are we putting our relationship on monogamy lock down?

Him: No, but there’s not an other. Just one right now.

Me: And Karl Marx is  your boyfriend.

Him: You might want to ask Karl Marx that question.

Me: Carl! Just say yes. Everyone wants YOU TO LOVE COLBY!! It really is the JFK and Jackie O of our generation, so just let it happen!!

(laughter)

His Boyfriend: I lift my sunglasses and I nod politely.

Me: OH! So Jackie O. Now we know who the bottom is. Right? So why is polyamory good for a society?

Him: I don’t know if it’s good for a society.

Me: You’re so diplomatic.

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Him: Because it’s not for everybody – I believe that the worst possible thing is to think of the world in terms of your own self interest. From one central egotistical position. And relationships whether it’s with one other person, right? You no longer are single entity. You’re seeing the world through someone elses eyes. It’s good to challenge ourselves that way – to expand what it means to be human and I think we do that by seeing the world through different eyes.  Expanding that franchise can do that, but it’s difficult. It’s harder than it is with one other person. Three people is harder than two people. Four people are harder than three people.

Me: I had two boyfriends. Can I make that confession?

Him: I think you just did.

His Boyfriend: Did they know?

(laughter)

Me: It didn’t work. They weren’t attracted to each other and I was obsessed with this idea that I couldn’t have two boyfriends if they only wanted monogamy with me. Cause then, like, I’m a dick or something…  Can you speak to that?

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Him: I think they both thought I was a dick.

Me: We broke up. They both wanted me to be their boyfriend. The guilt that I felt. Not being able to give anyone what they wanted. Including me. I wanted us all to be boyfriends. We tried. We went on vacations together.

His Boyfriend:There are successful throuples and for me one of the biggest frustrations was that I wasn’t impressed with the other person. What hurt more than anything was that I didn’t like the other person.

Me: That made it harder. They liked each other and were friends.

Him: Right. Well. In our case there’s a lot of jealousies there and preconceptions… If you guys would have developed a friendship…

His Boyfriend: We interacted several times over the course of years and we never had a strong connection emotionally as friends. I don’t think that matters. We just weren’t compatible as friends. I was torn between still being in love with this amazing person (indicates Colby) and still not understanding what he was getting out of this other situation.

Me: What were you getting out of it? That’s a hard question. Are you mad?

Him: It was a lot of things. It was an intellectual connection. A sexual connection. If anything we’re almost too much alike. I see myself as much more introverted. The only reason I do a lot of things like this is because of Karl Marx.

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Me: Have you topped Colby?

His Boyfriend: Yes.

Me: How do you climb mount bottom? He is a hunk of meat.

His Boyfriend: Yeah he’s a big person.

Me: Do you feel powerful?  “I am climbing mount bottom. And now I’ve reached the summit. And now I plant my flag?”

(laughter)

His Boyfriend: I’m not sure. I don’t think about it in that context, no. I don’t feel a sense of accomplishment. It’s just the way we have sex.

Me: I feel like sex is a form of communication. I think monogamy is a selfish idea. I think it’s akin to slavery in the sense that [people are thought of as] property. I don’t think it’s good for society and I’ll tell you why. Because it doesn’t work for straight people, so why should it work for us?

Him: I do think that if you do love someone then you have their interests at heart. If Karl meets someone and decides that he wants to spend time with that person and be in a relationship with them I love Karl to the point where I accept that.

Me: That’s healthy.

Him: And I’ll be jealous, but that’s my shit. I own that shit. It’s not his shit, it’s mine.

Me: That’s fucking awesome.

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8 thoughts on “The JFK and Jackie O of Our Generation

  1. “…monogamy is a selfish idea “: Polygamy too. We only are able to live life and see things through ourselves. Both ‘marriages’ may/may not work . There always will be someone asking for more attention or complaining that he/she is receiving less than he/she gives, or he/she will be upset because he/she is the one who have to adapt his /her manners to the other’s behavior or accept the way things are ( generally : other’s sugestions…) in order to please others. And if it will be a “real ‘ poly ‘ family” …Does this family admit parents, relatives and kids? Sorry but if the answer is ‘no’, it means that polyamori = slutness. ( Too much trouble…Don’t try to reinvent the wheels, people: One marriage at a time, please.)

    • I’m going to allow this comment for the sake of opening a dialogue, but be aware that we don’t condone slut shaming the gay community on this site. -PF

      Sent from my piePhone.

  2. how are polyamori and polygamy slutness ? why is that so easy to judge, when most of us stay in the monogamy persuasion ? i don’t really care what others do as long as it doesn’t hurt anyone… this give me a wide point of view, and i don’t really care what others may or may not do, cause i don’t know what the future might bring and what i might or might no do…

    it’s just a matter of respect, in any kind of way, any lifestyle. It may sound as if i’m some all loving teddy bear : i’m not. i judge sometimes. i can detest people, sometimes i hate other’s ideas… but i don’t think monogamy or polyamori are “selfish” concepts. they just are way of life people can choose not to choose…

    as it said in fact : you cannot force one to think against his belief, neither can you reject any kind of love… and why should you anyway…?

    and with nooooo real connexion (it’s really hard to connext images and text, well done here) : really nice photo art ! (sorry for mistakes or typos, i’m French)

  3. I was in a thrupple for three years. It was great. It ended amicable and we’re all still friends. I have a good friend who met a pair a decade ago and they still are happy, healthy, recognized by all families involved and make no bones about it in their community. Not defining other or how others should love or form relationships is the leap of Queer thinking being lost in the push to imitate hetro-normative living. We have the luxury to be whoever and whatever we want to be as Queers. If we want to advance as a culture and a People we should be working on being more open minded and open hearted to the possibilities of love not less so. The comment above touting something wrong w/’slutness'(tho I do adore a made up term) is the tip of the iceberg of what is happening to our community. We’re marching toward a lemmings mentality about sex, love and relationships in our quest for equality. Equal need not mean same in all areas just those of treatment under the law. Let’s retain our unique spots in the history of the world as change makers, inventors, creators of new views and open armed to the ideas of evolving love. Once for our People it was an honor to be called a ‘whore’-having sex considered revolutionary-and love as free as air. Those times should be honored and learned from and where applicable embraced by today’s new LGBT generation.

  4. Although I think the word slavery (with all its historic significance) is a bit of an overreach, I’m certainly down with the main thrust of your argument. While there is a sense of ownership, I give a more generous interpretation because so much of it is about fear of abandonment, rather than use and availability. Yes, domineering assholes exist in every community, but most people deep down are just scared that they aren’t good enough to be loved by someone who they love. “I’m so ugly/fat/stupid/lazy/worthless, how could this amazing person really love me. He’s only sticking around because he doesn’t know about all those perfect guys waiting just around the corner. I have to trick him into putting on blinders*, or he’ll realize his mistake.”

    To me, the real power of polyamory is the honesty and bravery of it. The little white lies, the lie of omission, are counter to the project. While monogamous partners can rest on the fiction of “traditional” sexual arrangements, poly relationships rely on absolute trust. Or at least the closest to absolute trust that is actually practicable in the real world. I’m not in a polyamorous relationship, but I think it’s a powerful political statement and a really courageous project to take on.

    *Those blinders are of course imaginary but very soothing.

  5. I love the dialog happening here! And I love reading that a porn-crush of mine holds values and convictions (concerning relationships) in alignment with my own.

    But I despise the word “throuple.” I much prefer triad.

    As a member of a quad (two couples dating), I have to agree with abruptdeparture that honesty and bravery definitely are at the core of any healthy relationship, but particularly more complex relationships. It’s a steeper emotional venture, with bigger risks and bigger payouts. Only open and honest communication can make it work, and it’s definitely not for everyone.

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