ThursDATE: Flashback – Last Christmas

photos by eryc perez de tagle 

Him: Michael, this Christmas has been perfect.  Just perfect.

Me:  Thanks Yoshi.  I had a good time too…  Drew and his boyfriend are super nice, aren’t they?

Him:  Yes, and I can’t believe we got to sing songs around a piano.  Perfect Christmas! 

Me:  Yeah.  It was idyllic, right?

Him:  I loved singing the Rocket Man, and how everyone jumped in to help.

Me:  Haha.   You gave it a hell of an effort.  You’re a Rocket Man, Yoshi!

Him:  Yes.  I’m tired of being Art Director.  Where can I apply to be karaoke superstar?

Me:  I’m not sure it works like that…  Unless you apply to be on American Idol.  I think you have to develop a following.

Him:  What about subway ride?  We almost got challenge for violent conflict.

Me:  What?  That guy?  He thought we were talking about him.  I diffused it.  Then he was fine.

Him:  We were talking about him.

Me:  I know.  It’s your fault.  Don’t ask me which subway rider deserves the Human Garbage Award for 2010, if you don’t want feedback.  I just happened to pick the drunkest, most obnoxious looking hipster in the train.  In any case, I charmed my way out of a fist fight with the guy.

Him:  I was surprised how quickly you made that lie up.  ‘We were talking about how much we liked your shirt.’ 

Me:  I did like his shirt.  Oh man!  I totally forgot to tell him that he won the Human Garbage Award!

Him:  Oh no!  You could have made his Christmas perfect, too…

Me:  I’m just a Grinch, that way.

Him:  What is Grinch?

Me:  Oh.  It’s a green man who ruins Christmas.

Him:  That’s not you.  You made Christmas perfect.  Delicious food and presents exchanged, and wine and singing around the piano.

Me:  Yeah.  Thanks.  I had a great time with you too, Yoshi.

Him:  I wanted to tell you something.

(pause)

Me:  Uh oh.  Don’t do it, Yoshi.

Him:  What?  You made a perfect day.  I just want to tell you something in my heart.

Me:  Please don’t do this.  I’m not ready for all this, Yoshi.

Him:  You always say you’re not ready.

Me:  I’m NOT.  You met me about 2 weeks after I ended a long relationship.  I told you it was best if we just hung out and had a good time.  I told you I wasn’t looking for my next boyfriend, and to please just think of me as a friend.

Him:  That’s what I did.

Me:  That’s NOT what you did.  You started side swiping me with surprise romantic dinner dates and theater tickets.  It was flattering and you’re a sweet man, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m all stirred up inside right now, and can’t really give my heart to anyone.

Him:  Why not?  Why can’t you just try to make a life with Yoshi?  What’s wrong with me, that I can only say that we’re friends, or if I push really hard you’ll agree that we’re ‘casually dating?’

Me:  Why do you have to push so hard??  Why don’t you have any respect for my feelings?  I keep asking you to keep it casual between us, but if I let you stay the night once a week, you want to do it twice the next week.  AND.  What’s with you sending me Craigslist ads for loft apartments??

Him:  I just want you to know what kind of life we could have togetether…

Me:  You do realize don’t you, that it comes off really bizarre?   We have a conversation on Monday about us taking our time and giving each other space, and then on Tuesday I get an email with photos of an apartment?  Especially when you annotate it with notes about how you’d decorate it.

Him:  Minimalist.  Sleek.  Luxurious.

Me:  You’re not taking my feelings seriously, Yoshi.

Him:  So much you could have, if you let me close to you.

(pause)

Me:  Thank you.  You’re very kind.  But I wish we could give each other space and let things happen naturally.  I feel like you’re on a timetable here, with a list of goals.

Him:  So.  Because it was so perfect…  tonight…  Christmas…  I wanted to say-

Me:  Yoshi.  Stop smiling.  I’m not laughing.  Look at me.  This is NOT the right time to do this.  I made a nice Christmas for us.  Don’t reward me by making me feel awkward, or guilty.  I don’t deserve that.

(long pause)

Him:  But I want to tell you…

Me:  Don’t.

Him:  I want to say it.   Just once.

Me:  I’m not going to be at ALL happy, if you say it.  I told you I only wanted a close friendship.  Why does everyone want just a little more than what’s on the menu?

(long pause)

Him:  I love you.

Me:  Goddamnit.

(long pause)

Me:  Okay.  We’re drunk.  Can we go to bed and talk about it tomorrow, sober?

Him:  Do you love me?

Me:  Yes.   But not the way that you mean it.  Not how you love me.  I’m sorry…

Him:  What do I have to do?

Me:  I don’t know.  I’m sorry.  Can we go to sleep, please?

(long pause)

Him:  Oh, no.  I ruined Christmas!

(I start crying.)

Me:  No you didn’t.  But just stop pressuring me for just a minute, okay?  Let’s just go to bed.

Him:  Can we have Creamy Times?

Me:  That’s the grossest euphamism I’ve ever heard.

Him:  You made it up.

Me:  Fair enough.

(long pause)

Me:  Yes, we can have Creamy Times…  But, tomorrow we have to have a long talk.

Classes

Hey –

I’m offering a class.

Saturday the 17th of December.  4 – 8pm.

Depending on interest, it will either be at my place in Brooklyn, or at a commercial baking space in Hell’s Kitchen.

I’ll teach you how to make your own home-made pie crust, and filling.

Email me to sign up. piefolk@gmail.com

Jerks.

What Gay People Talk About

photos by eryc perez de tagle

Happy Sunday, Jerks!

Thin Skin Jonny had a show on Friday night at UCBeast.  We were lucky enough to perform with Momma Holler, Kevin Michael Murphy and Lauren Adams, Danger Pin and the hilarious Ben Lerman.

We’re going to be hosting a monthly showcase of comedy music at UCBeast, so keep your eyes peeled for that.

Here’s a clip of us doing Giulia Rozzi and Margot Leitman’s amazing storytelling show Stripped Stories.  We also did their Sirius Radio podcast!  You can download the episode for free here.  Warning – the song is slightly NSFW.

Thanks for watching, and Happy Sunday!

Jerks.