ThursDATE: Grindr

photos by jack slomovitz

Him:  Oh my God.  How did you know I was here at Starbucks? Grindr said you were 71 feet away.

Me:  I didn’t know.  I just come here to stalk a guy, and get coffee on my work break. It’s pure coincidence that we were just chatting on Grindr.

Him:  Well, sit down.  It must be fate. (pause)  Wait, you stalk a guy here at the Starbucks?

Me:  I come here because I know he comes here, and I like to look at him.

Him:  So yes, you’re a stalker.

Me:  Yeah, I probably am.  He’s pretty.  (pause)  I’m probably not going to kill him.

Him:  So you’re working in the neighborhood?

Me:  Yeah.  On Monday and Tuesday I work in Hell’s Kitchen.

Him:  So do you work every day?

Me:  No, I…  er…   Well, kind of…

Him:  What does that mean?

Me:  I do a lot of things for money.  Comedy,  music…  I teach…  I make pies…

Him:  Pies?  Really?

Me:  Really.

Him:  What’s pie?

Me:  Really?

(pause)

Me:  It’s pastry.  It has a crust and you put fruit or chocolate or sometimes savory stuff like pork or chicken.

Him:  Don’t be smart, I know what pie is.

Me:  Oh.  Sorry.  My fault.  I probably thought you didn’t know what pie was, because you asked me what pie was.

Him:  Are you always this difficult?

Me:  Almost without fail.

Him:  I love your pic on Grindr.

Me:  Thanks.  I sent you the body picture too, that you requested.

Him:  Mmmmm.  I saw it.  You’re how old?  27?

Me:  No.  I’m a little older than that.

Him:  It’s your glasses.  Your glasses make you look young.

(Pause.  I take my glasses off)

Me:  What about now?  Do I look significantly older?

Him:  Yes.  You look much older now.

Me:  You’re just saying that to flatter me.  Charm boat…

Him: So you just want a kiss?  Nothing else?

Me:  That’s right.  It’s something I invented – it’s called a ‘kiss date.’  I meet people online, chat with them for a few minutes and then kiss them to see if there’s chemistry.  Also, I write about it online.  Be careful, I might blog about this.

Him:  Are you going to blog about this?

(pause.  i wonder if he’s playing dumb or actually an idiot.)

Me:  I might.  It really depends on how we behave with each other.  Do you think this is a bed bug bite?  I’m paranoid about bed bugs…  It’s probably just that I burned myself on the oven rack, and don’t remember it.  I do that sometimes.

Him:  Why were you touching an oven rack?

Me:  I…  make… pies…  A pie is a type of pastry.

(pause)

Me:  You have a slight accent.  Are you from the Philippines?

Him:  How did you guess?

Me:  The accent…  Also you look like someone who has a Karaoke machine and likes illegal handguns.

Him:  That’s a stereotype.

Me:  I know.  I’m joking.  You look more like someone who would vote for an unqualified candidate from a political dynasty family that is corrupt.  I’m kidding.  You don’t look like any of that.  I’m just being salty.  I read a lot about the Philippines in the Times.  They love to cover you guys.

Him:  I’m not a nurse either, if that’s what you’re thinking.

Me:  Don’t worry, there’s still time…  The hospitals aren’t going anywhere.

Him:  You’re funny, but is that appropriate?

Me:  Depends.  Are you going to pay me?  Or shoot me with an illegal handgun for singing My Way at karaoke?

Him:  Pay you for the jokes?  No.

Me:  Then I should stop giving it away for free.  This is probably not a bed bug bite – right?  It’s just a burn from the oven, I think…

Him:  My family doesn’t have a karaoke machine you know.  They just have a microphone.

Me:  Just a microphone?  Where does the music come from?

Him:  It’s programmed into the microphone.  You plug it in and the music comes out of the microphone.  It’s like an iPod plus a microphone all in one.

Me:  That sounds suspiciously like a machine to me.

Him: It’s not.

Me:  I stand corrected.  It’s probably more like a magic wand, and less like a machine.

(Long pause.  He eyes me suspiciously for a good while.)

Me:  Well, I should get back to work.

Him:  Yes.  Be sure to favorite me on Grindr.  I’m going to Amsterdam this weekend but I’ll be back soon.

Me:  Okay!  Sounds good!  I’d kiss you, but I’ve been drinking coffee.

Him:  See you soon.

Me:  Okay!

(Surprise ending:  I didn’t favorite him on Grindr)