Sometimes people ask me on dates. They tend to go horribly. These are their stories.
(Law and Order Sound Effect)
Him: Come home with me.
Me: No. Do you think this sweater is too heavy for the springtime?
Him: Come on. Come home with me.
Me: No. It’s late and you’re drunk and I’m not and I’m tired.
Him: Come home with me. We’ve been flirting with each other for a long time now. Come on.
Me: No. 9 months is a long time?
Him: Come on. (hails a cab) Get in the cab.
Me: No. I’m going home.
Me: Okay fine.
(Montage: Snuggly cab ride. Surprised cab driver. Deli visit for food and beer. Fumbling with keys.)
Him: Do you want a beer? I’m having a beer.
Me: Yes. I’m going to start drinking at 3 am. Good idea.
Him: Great, I’ll open you one.
Me: No, wait. I changed my mind.
Me: More like, sarcastic.
Him: I like that.
Me: I like you.
Him: I know.
Me: Don’t worry. I don’t get weird. I let things develop naturally. We’ll have two kids, one Korean girl named Ellen, and one African boy, named Sh’Africa.
Him: Sounds like you’re telling Africa to be quiet.
Me: I’m not. I like the names Sean and Africa. Sh’Africa. If anything, I think Africa should be louder.
Me: All that suffering? Isn’t there a lot of suffering and economic inequality?
Him: I’ve never been.
Me: Me neither. I’m operating on what I’ve read in liberal news media and what I’ve seen in movies like Congo.
Him: Take your coat off.
Me: Certainly. I’ll just throw it on the floor here.
Him: You’re funny.
Me: You’re pretty.
Him: Make out with me.
Him: Take your shirt off.
(We take our shirts off. Bitchin’ make out session.)
Him: Take your pants off.
(We take our pants off. Bitchin’ make out session.)
Him: Let’s get naked.
Me: How dare you. No, wait. I changed my mind again. That’s a great idea.
Him: Are you a bottom?
Me: What? Oh. Sex? Oh! Sex! Okay. Yes. No. I’m versatile. I’m the opposite of whatever your favorite thing to do is…
Him: Then you’re a bottom.
Me: I am indeed!
(We get naked. Bitchin’ make out session. Then, suddenly – he loses interest entirely. The evening goes limp.)
Him: I was afraid of this.
Him: I was afraid that this would happen. My penis stops working after a while.
Me: No! Stop it! It’s okay. Cut yourself some slack. You had a lot to drink. I watched you.
Him: No. What? No. I don’t have whiskey dick. Hahaha. No.
Me: What? No, you have six beers and three whiskeys dick.
Him: I have a thing that happens. Once I get someone naked and it’s obvious that I can sleep with them, I lose interest.
Me: Heh. You’re funny.
Him: Please don’t make fun of me. It’s a real problem.
Me: I was going to say, why don’t we just go to sleep and give it a shot in the morning.
Him: Ha. Right. No.
Him: I think you should leave now.
Him: It’s like this. I already got you naked. You already said you’d give me what I want. It’s kind of like I’ve already figured you out. I’m not going to be interested anymore.
Me: What? Heh. Ha. I uh… hm…
(He starts putting on clothes. He starts handing clothes to me. I start putting on clothes.)
Him: Yeah. It’s best if you just go home.
Me: I’m much farther away from home now than when you talked me into the cab.
Him: I’ll call you a car. You should go home.
Me: No. I’ll take the train. I should never have come here.
Him: Oh stop. You had fun.
Me: Yeah it was a blast. You’re a real great host. Thanks for having me over.
Him: It’s a real problem, okay? I have a problem with sex. I’d appreciate some sympathy.
Me: Awww… Sweet baby… Hey. I’m going to say something – please don’t take it the wrong way, okay?
Me: You’re an asshole. I don’t mean like self-absorbed like me and my comedy friends. I mean for real. You’re a real, true, asshole. I’m going to leave my card.
Him: What is this?
Me: I want you to check out my site, but wait a few days…
Me: Because when people act like assholes on dates with me, I put it on the internet. Is that my coat? Thanks.
Me: Yeah! You’re famous! Congrats! And hey.
Enjoy playing mind games with someone else.
(Surprise ending: I laughed about him the whole train ride home. I didn’t feel bad about myself.)
5 thoughts on “SaturDATE: I’ve Already Figured You Out”
I loved how it starts,but more how it ends.
its ok boo! men are pigs. they will take a nice innocent geuniune guy and fuck the purity out of you. ive been blinded many times before. its not something you can filter but something you can take into consideration for next dates. be careful and guard your heart 🙂 afterall that is what lives on/
thanks. i’m okay. i lived. i thought it was funny.
It happened to me before too, well, something like that. Some bar tender has been flirting with me for weeks. And even made out with me few times…. i thought we had something going out, but little do i know, he was already dating someone and didn’t let me know. What a freaking jack ass….
What a complete and utter cock! Talk about “happy endings!” Brilliant!