Him:  What are you making?

Me:  Mango Cherry Pies.

Him:  No kidding.

Me:  That’s right.  They’re going to be yummy.  And YOU’RE going to get some.

Him:  Yay.  I don’t like pastries, though.

Me:  Just pretend you’re excited?

Him:  Im so excited.

Me:  Wasn’t that guy a jerk?  At the bar?

Him: What was he saying?  Sometimes I just smile at people and tune out. 

Me:  He was making stupid ching-chong jokes.

Him:  Oh, no!  What was he saying?

Me:  He said he’d see you soon because he was going to Ruby Foo’s tomorrow for lunch.  I should have said that you’d probably see him twice, since it looks like he eats lunch twice every day.

Him:  That’s funny. 

Me:  I try not to make fat jokes.  They strike me as dated, somehow.

Him:  Wait, he’s assuming I work at Ruby Foo’s, because I’m Asian?  That’s insulting.

Me:  He thinks it was funny.

Him:  Doesn’t sound funny to me.

Me:  Me either.  He’s pretty funny, when he’s not hammered.  I have to see him all the time. He’s a nice guy, but he has these…  moments…   He thinks he’s being funny.  People are ass wipes when they’re drunk.

Him:  That’s what he was doing?  He was making Asian jokes? 

Me:  Yeah.  He said that I was only hanging out with you to make my penis look bigger.

Him:  Oh no!  Is that true?

Me:  Only partially.  I like you a lot too.

Him:  Moron. 

Me:  NO IT’S NOT TRUE.  You’re super good looking, kid.  That guy’s a jealous bozo.  Your penis is perfect.

(pause)

How much of the conversation did you miss?  Wow you were really zoned out.  Did you catch what happened at the end, when I grabbed your shoulder?

Him:  Oh!  When you said ‘Go ahead – make three more obnoxious jokes, but make them good,’ or whatever?

Me:  ‘Make them the best jokes ever!  Really enjoy yourself!’  Yeah.  I wanted to see him squirm.  There’s a part of him that knows that he’s being ugly, when he does that.  He was wasted.  I also wanted him to see that he hadn’t phased me in the least.

Him:  Fuck him.  I would have slapped him.

Me:  Well I’m glad you didn’t hear it, then.  We run in the same circles.  I have to deal with him.  He was wasted.  The very last thing he did was drop a shot all over the ground.  He has his moments.  He can be nice.  Why am I defending him?

Him: Yeah.  I don’t usually let people get to me, but there was this guy who said my friend had a cheap bag tonight.  I wouldn’t let him off the hook for it. OH NO. 

Me:  What

Him:  Then there was that homeless man.

Me:  I know.  Right afterward.  That was bad timing.

Him:  I’m just realizing.  He meant me, too.  He gave you all those compliments and then said you needed to upgrade the man though. 

Me:  I found that really strange.

Him: That’s why you told him to can it and knock it off.  It’s just dawning on me.  He meant me.

Me:  Yeah.  Why did you think I was yelling at a homeless man? Oh man.  You really were in and out of the evening huh?

Him:  I guess so. 

Me:  Oh.  You’re wasted, aren’t you?  You drank a lot before you came to meet me at the bar.

Him:  I had my share of drinks. 

Me:  You’re clobbered.

Him:  I’m not.

Me:  Doesn’t matter.  You’re beautiful and sweet.  You have self respect and you’re kind to other people.  Let’s just make these pies. Mango and cherry have a way of baking together to taste like Peach.

Him: Thanks.  You’re okay. 

Me:  Thanks.  So are you.

(pause)

Also.  You’re wasted.

(pause,  then a big smile.)

Jerk.