Here’s a recent letter:
Good Afternoon Mike,
(I apologize if it’s not okay to call you Mike)
I’m a 22 year old rounding off my bachelors degree preparing to go to Medical school next year. At this point in time I’m doing what I can to keep men away to avoid complications when I start my arduous schooling but there is one person I find to be a particularly weak spot… and I kind of like the attention outside of all my books. Basically, he’s an ex. He and I dated a few years back when I was too young to realize I had a good thing, I was ashamed of being gay and therefore not treating him fairly, we went on a “break” (my choice). While on the break he started dating another guy and he lost contact with me until one day I managed to catch him on his day off. Since we dated I’ve experienced a good deal of adversity in life (medical, familial and a lot of alienation)… the sort that basically make a much stronger and more mature person of the target.
As for the man in question, He’s a loyal sort and when he’s with someone he sort of cuts ties with any guys who might be interested in him, so I understood why he fell off the world… I was also fairly shocked he decided to answer my call. We talked for a bit but then nothing for a few more months when I noticed that he and his then boyfriend had broken up on facebook. He contacted me. He told me how he thought about me during most of his relationship, how every time he was disappointed in his ex he thought about how I wouldn’t or hadn’t done something like that (even in my lame gay shame). Eventually we became great friends again and I wanted to pursue something but he told me he didn’t really want to date right away because of his ex. I understood.
A couple weeks later, he got another boyfriend and after nearly a year (this January) they broke up. We went out for drinks, caught up and ended up fooling around, he told me he wants me to pursue him again and honestly I want to, he made me really happy when we were together and continues to even now… but since we’ve been talking again he’s had a number of issues that make it difficult for him to make time for me. I understand. After I graduate and head to medical school my time is going to be limited and I don’t see myself being able to start a relationship, maintain yes, start no… So, with medical school right around the corner I’m just wondering if I’m being stupid, getting played, by trying to get back with an ex or if I’m just questioning it all because I’m impatient… ACH! What do I do!?
Grateful for any insight,
First of all don’t ever, EVER call me Mike. Only my immediate family does that, and that’s just cause they don’t want me acting any gayer than I already do. Mike is the name of a guy who can fix your bike, or will take care of your dog when you’re out of town. I’m much more of a Michael. A Michael will make eyes at you in the library while you’re researching staph infection. A Michael will photograph you in a Starbucks and then post that photo on Facebook to see if anyone knows anything about you. See the difference? It’s subtle, but it’s there.
Anyway. Enough of the
truth about my odd behavior jokes.
I don’t know you, and I don’t know this guy. But given the information you’ve put forth, I’d say he’s probably not the guy you should be getting involved with right now. He’s your ex. There’s so much water under the bridge with you guys, and you’re going to medical school soon. Something about your letter doesn’t feel right to me. Not having time for meeting new people is not a reason to invest your heart into someone. Well. I guess it is, but for my money, that reason isn’t good enough.
Also, he’s had the opportunity to rekindle stuff with you before, and he hasn’t taken it (but he did take the opportunity to fall in love with someone else just a few weeks later – odd, if he wanted to be single, like he said).
I think you should do what you want. What’s more, I think you will do what you want. But my gut tells me this guy isn’t being available because he doesn’t want to get close to you. It could be because he’s extremely busy or whatever, but really, who doesn’t have 30 minutes to cuddle before bed?
I don’t. I’m blogging this instead. Selfish.
Just kidding. You’re not selfish. Thanks for writing in.
Here’s my advice, cold as it might seem: continue having sex with him for as long as the new found chemistry holds. Don’t mention relationship stuff unless he brings it up. If he doesn’t bring it up, it’s likely an indicator that he doesn’t really want to get close. If he proves me wrong, even better for you.
I mean, what’s wrong with enjoying a physical relationship with your ex for a bit? Nothing, as long as you don’t get hurt. Don’t get hurt. You’re a sweet guy. I like you.