Sponsored by Girbaud Denim. Written by Michael Bright.
Him: Hey I’m back but I’m really sleepy.
Me: Then take a nap at my place, drunky.
Him: Allright, I’m heading over, but just to sleep.
Me: No. Come to think of it, don’t.
Him: Haha. Okay. I’ll see you tomorrow then.
Him: I’ll check on you tomorrow then?
Me: If you remember.
Him: I’ll remember.
Me: So will I. How’s the weather out there? Fair?
Him: Slightly chilly, but nice.
Me: Better to head home then. I have to txt a friend and ask about coming over to help.
Him: I hope you find a cool roomie.
Me: By the way, you shouldn’t stand someone up for a date and then sign on to Grindr. It’s poor etiquette. Dick move, I’d say.
Him: You just told me to go home.
Me: I need help. I’m not a flop house. You come over and sit. I cook. It’s not equitable. When it’s time to help you suddenly get tired.
Him: Fair assessment.
Me: Yes. Therefore I’m busy tomorrow. No date.
Him: That’s the rules we set from the start.
Me: Wrong. I was waiting for you to act like a team player.
Him: I’m the worst at that.
Me: Agree. You’re not dating material. Not even friend material. My friends do the dishes when I cook.
Him: You said it was fine to hang out, video games, and fool around, or cuddle. I agreed.
Me: I remember that. I’d like to renegotiate. I’m not satisfied with the arrangement anymore.
Him: I really don’t want to make you feel un-equitable.
Me: Okay, then. Let’s renegotiate?
Him: I feel like you may need more than I can give.
Me: Why? Cause I said let’s go on a date? That’s off the table. How about… do a dish once in awhile? How about don’t act like I’m a pariah if we’re in a gay bar? I don’t really need a boyfriend either; I just asked for a date.
I’m not happy with you wasting my Friday night with your lame excuse last minute. People ask after my time, you know.
Me: The best negotiations leave everyone happy. Make an offer.
Him: You jump moods very quickly and it’s tough to get my feelings through.
Me: You don’t speak your feelings. That’s all on you. I think it’s pretty clear how I feel. I asked you to take me on a date. What are your feelings?
Him: Not a lot. I wanted to send this quote from Girls but it’s kind of selfish. Let me find it.
Me: No. Speak for yourself. This is negotiation. Say what you want. Don’t be lazy and plagiarize another writer’s work. I literally had to cry about my hurt feelings to get a date. That’s not the start of a deeper friendship. You’re standing me up tonight, the night before our official dinner date, and signing on to Grindr. You didn’t even apologize. How passive aggressive can you be?
Him: I want nothing.
Me: Then you don’t get anything.
Him: I wanted something at some point. Now I don’t.
Me: Life is about tone and timing. That’s understandable.
Me: We don’t seem to have a deal. I’m still fond of you. These small feelings will extinguish relatively easily. I’ll table my negotiation until after Mother’s day. Have fun alone.
Him: Many times that’s the best place to be.
Me: One thing I’m always saying is that the pair of eyes in the mirror belong to the best boyfriend in the world. It’s another way of reminding myself to go fuck myself. I suggest you do the same.
Him: I’m terrible at being on this side of anger.
Me: I’m not angry. Speak for yourself. It’s rude to speak for the other party negotiating. And, it doesn’t get anyone what they want. We were tender and sweet to each other. That’s a great thing. We needed creature comfort. I mistook that for us building a small relationship as friends. It’s my bad. Take care. I have to write this down.
Him: I still think of our relationship as small. Just much smaller now.
Me: Agree. You’re a fair weather friend. You show up when you’re horny, or lonely, or hungry and make me do most of the work. That’s not acceptable. That’s selfish and I won’t accept those terms. No deal.
Him: I’ll let you go. I’m sorry we didn’t read things the same way.
Me: Your cruelty is quite elegant, but don’t be sorry. I’m already adjusting my expectations. I really must go write something.
Him: Okay. Goodnight.
Me: One more thing: Neither of us are Girls, but one of us is in his 20s. Don’t let Lena Dunham speak for you. You speak for you. That’s good negotiation.